#1
YAY FOR SYMBOLISM! C4C but by god if you ****ing leave a one sentence response and half of that response is self-promotion I will come after you. The only part i dont like is the beggining so if you wanna give me ideas please do.



As I push open double doors,
And past the churning taps nodding at the
rats along the floorboards,
I swim and spin past restriction's end
up into the gaze of the moon's great gestures,
Over the foreground, muting bar-room brawls.

...

In the background I pry the Wyne out
Of Heaven's grasp and the willow watches my
Shadow, as it spins and spins and spins and grins
At my fragile state of being.
?Hit me bartender! Hit me hard!?
And brew was dubbed addiction!

?

Wake me whilst I stumble here,
Drowned on differentiation!
Come! The evenings here at last,
I?ve lost all true sensation,
In my numbing granite ankles,
Slowing, crawling, halting, stopping,
?Hit me bartender! One more time!?
And brew was dubbed addiction!

?

Wyne pulsing in my arms?
O benign Willow! Watch me sway!
From your branches in the moor!
I have a crown to chrysene crimson!
And put you in my lore!
Fantasy never touched before!
Since red was called blue!
And brew dubbed addiction!
?Hit me for the turning tides!
Hit me for the ?Morrow!?

?

Wyne shifting through sift
Wyne is life, and life is death.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 6, 2006,
#2



Wyne on my breath?

I come here now, a gem?s acquaintance
To the double-doors, a stripped saloon,
And passing by the churning taps
And rats along the floorboards,
I swim and swim past Heaven?s womb
And past the brimming headboards
While wrought by gesture sits the moon, and
It spins and spins and spins and grins,
And brew is dubbed addiction!

The only things i don't like here are the choice of the word "saloon". it doesn't really fit the mood for me. and the part "I swim and Swim past", i think you could change that line a bit

Wyne on my charms?

Wake me whilst I stumble here,
Drowned on differentiation,
Come! The evenings here at last,
I?ve lost all true sensation,
In my numbing granite ankles,
Slowing, crawling, halting, stopping,
And brew was dubbed addiction!

I love this line, nothing wrong with it at all

Wyne in my arms?

O benign Willow! Watch me sway!
From your branches in the moor!
I have a crown to chrisom crimson!
And put you in my lore!
Fantasy never touched before!
Since red was called blue!
And brew dubbed addiction!

This is a great line, did you mean it to be humorous?, anyway ,waht does chrisom mean lol,

Wyne shifting through sift
Wyne is life, and life is death

This is a nice last line, a good way to end this piece.


Overall, a nice piece, 9.5/10, the link for mine's in the sig if you will.
#4
Lovely stuff synth. You kept on the trails of your subject and extended metaphor beautifuly, while sprinkling it with a few additives for flavour

It would interest me to know what you meant by "Wyne", maybe referring to someone? No idea.

I disagreed with AAA when he said that "saloon" didn't fit the first stanza; i think it fitted perfectly.

This is a marvellous example of wonderful imagery and metaphors used in writing to full extent. You deserved the WotM last month

Could you look at mine for me? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
#5
Once more, some of the stuff went over my head but..

Wow... I mean, what I got from it was great. I really enjoyed reading it. For me, the second stanza stood out, loved the "Drowned on differentiation" line.

I would also like to know what you meant by Wyne- I see it as refering to something, or someone, but what? It would clear alot up for me.

Brilliant stuff again, synth. Wonderful metaphors and imagery seem to come as easy as breathing to you, and I really admire that talent. 10/10, top stuff.

If you could drop a line or two here , it would be much appreciated.

ETA- Just thought- even when I don't understand half your stuff, the fact that your work still has a postive impression on me must mean that you are also skilled at assonance, alliteration , and everything else needed to move me without me fully comprehending what you are writing. And I think thats a heck of a skill to have.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 4, 2006,
#6
wow, there was alot more significance in things here (to me) than I remember putting in, and while I'd rather you guys figure out what some of it is I guess I'll disclose things. The 'Wyne' is representative of the yearning of the narrator to figure out his significance in life. The clue in this is how 'Wyne' is pronouced, specifically the 'WHY' part of it. This yearning, at least in this world, is life itself and as the narrator falls into greater drunkeness he becomes more muddled and confused of his purpose and begins to ramble out theories (stanza 3). The stanzas seperated by '...' signify a greater slippage into mystery, mirroring becoming more drunk, they also help to serve the narrator's journey from obscurity to desperation to finally clarity. The second stanza specifically acts as a linkage between befuddlement, truth and desperation that he finds himself wrought with. Following his rant about the willow the narrator slips into a deep sleep/coma and it is through this 'death' that he finds clarity.

The ending translates to:

Yearning shifting through life's phases
Yearning is life, and life is death.

And with this he rests in resignation...

WOW, that was a fun rant to do... i hope it might of cleared up at least one thing and I can assure you, only half of this explanation was bull****

SHIGSY!

#7
I really wish I was poetic enough to understand that, because by God it was beautiful. It had an excellenct, natural sounding rhythm with good use of rhyme and metaphor. Now if only I could delve deeper into the meaning... Good job, I enjoyed that a lot.

If you could please crit my thrash lyrics, I would appreciate it:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370922
Rig

Jackson DK2M -> ISP Decimator -> Peavey 6505 Combo
#8
I agree with you, the beginning isn't up to par. Since it's entering a bar, maybe you can start with "double doors open and..." and sort of build off of that. Just a suggestion. I got what you were trying to say about searching for the meaning of life, and that third stanza was really great. However, the exclamation points sort of bothered me in the second stanza (differentiation!, addiction!), I thought they were unnecessary. Other than that, very strong peice, the granite ankles was a very good metaphor (Granite is one of the harder stones, but it is easily manipulated. Or maybe this was unintentional? :p
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#9
YAY FOR SYMBOLISM! C4C but by god if you ****ing leave a one sentence response and half of that response is self-promotion I will come after you. The only part i dont like is the beggining so if you wanna give me ideas please do.



As I push open double doors,
And passed the churning taps
And rats along the floorboards,
I swim and spin past restriction's end
And past the brimming headboards, up
Into the gaze of the moon's great gestures,
Over the foreground, muting bar-room brawls,
While in the background I pry the Wyne out
Of Heaven's grasp and the willow watches my
Shadow, as it spins and spins and spins and grins
At my fragile state of being.
?Hit me bartender! Hit me hard!?
And brew was dubbed addiction!


Very vivid and powerful, I especially liked this alot - it really just kindof jumped out at you and was vivid with your use of excellent adjectives.
?

Please wake me whilst I stumble here,
Drowned on differentiation!
Come! The evenings here at last,
I?ve lost all true sensation,
In my numbing granite ankles,
Slowing, crawling, halting, stopping,
?Hit me bartender! One more time!?
And brew was dubbed addiction!

I like it! It seems to be screaming out desperatley at the reader, very stylistic - I like it alot.
?

Wyne pulsing in my arms?
O benign Willow! Watch me sway!
From your branches in the moor!
I have a crown to chrysene crimson!
And put you in my lore!
Fantasy never touched before!
Since red was called blue!
And brew dubbed addiction!
?Hit me for the turning tides!
Hit me for the ?Morrow!?

Ah, all of the sudden we have Lugh and Shakespear in the air! Haha, it is nice though, I especially like this as well.

?

Wyne shifting through sift
Wyne is life, and life is death.

Beautiful ending


Great piece my friend! Truley excellent. Keep writing!
Fears a powerful thing
#10
Quote by #1 synth
wow, there was alot more significance in things here (to me) than I remember putting in, and while I'd rather you guys figure out what some of it is I guess I'll disclose things. The 'Wyne' is representative of the yearning of the narrator to figure out his significance in life. The clue in this is how 'Wyne' is pronouced, specifically the 'WHY' part of it. This yearning, at least in this world, is life itself and as the narrator falls into greater drunkeness he becomes more muddled and confused of his purpose and begins to ramble out theories (stanza 3). The stanzas seperated by '...' signify a greater slippage into mystery, mirroring becoming more drunk, they also help to serve the narrator's journey from obscurity to desperation to finally clarity. The second stanza specifically acts as a linkage between befuddlement, truth and desperation that he finds himself wrought with. Following his rant about the willow the narrator slips into a deep sleep/coma and it is through this 'death' that he finds clarity.

The ending translates to:

Yearning shifting through life's phases
Yearning is life, and life is death.

And with this he rests in resignation...

WOW, that was a fun rant to do... i hope it might of cleared up at least one thing and I can assure you, only half of this explanation was bull****

SHIGSY!


Ahhh, i admire it all the more now

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368749
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Jun 5, 2006,
#11
SonofA (seriously I need a nickname to call you), do you think the exclamation is just unattural in the second stanza or in the entirety of the piece?

Metalfan: thank you

Good Eye Closed: very flattering

Cazzy boy: I just realized how creepy that smilie is
#12
As I push open double doors,
And passed the churning taps
And rats along the floorboards,
I swim and spin past restriction's end
And past the brimming headboards, up
Into the gaze of the moon's great gestures,
Over the foreground, muting bar-room brawls,
While in the background I pry the Wyne out
Of Heaven's grasp and the willow watches my
Shadow, as it spins and spins and spins and grins
At my fragile state of being.
?Hit me bartender! Hit me hard!?
And brew was dubbed addiction!

you have some problems here... first of all dont start consecutive lines with and. the other thing is this sentance you have.

As i push open double doors, and passed the churning taps and rats along the floorboards, i swim and spin past restrictions end and past the brimming headboards, up into the gase of moons gestures over the foreground muting bar-room brawls, while in the background i pry the wyne out of heaven's grasp and the willow watches my shadow, as it spins and spins and spins and grins at my fragile state of being.


one sentance synth come on... kind of a run on. at least seperate it at bar room brawls. Up into the gase... blah blah maybe a few more also fixed the conjunctions in that first part

as i push open double doors, passed the churning taps and rats along the floorboards, i swim and spin past restrictions end and past the brimming headboards.

meh you can do the rest just some punctuation problems and over use of conjunctions, its really rather confusing to follow.

-Mike
#13
First I'd like to start off by saying that there is a reason why I didnt write in prose, therefore the boundaries of prose shouldnt apply... but still...

Gah! how could I be so stupid!

Your rather right that it is really incoherent, and I apoligise to everyone, but shouldnt have someone pointed that out before?... thanks again Trig I needed that.

Edit: slightly edited, is that any better? or is that slightly worse?