#1
its about the summer and sun and sleeping and anything else you fancy that begins with the letter 's'. its a nice letter.

light spilled crooked through plated glass windows
picks out each particle that hangs, falls and flies.

through cracked curtains flow beams so bright that they
scar across the room as yellow sunned wounds.

against deep blue walls bounce photons that spill
and fill and dance in technicolor.

yet in this lethargy i am still content
with only the windfall that blows through my door.


crit for crit, like for like.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Jun 3, 2006,
#3
wave particle physics vs lyrics. intrieguing. lol
=MAY THE HAND OF GOD STRIKE THEM DOWN=

+Rip Dimebag+


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#4
Really good. It got the point across well- a nice piece for the sort of weather we're having in the south of England at the moment.


light spilled crooked through plated glass windows
picks out each particle that hangs, falls and flies.

Brilliant opener. Nice alliteration throughout, which continues in the rest of the piece.

through cracked curtains flow beams so bright that they
scar across the room as yellow sunned wounds.

I have an issue with tenses here. The first stanza talked in the past, here we deal in the present. Is this intentional? Once more, you describe the scene well. "Scars" works very nicely here.

against deep blue walls bounce photons that spill
and fill and dance in technicolor.

I'm not sure about the last line line here, for some reason. Maybe I didn't like it looking shorter than the rest there's just something about it. I would change "spill" as you have used that verb previously. Once more the tense differs from the first stanza.

yet in this lethargy i am still content
with only the windfall that blows through my door.

I like this. Sums up everyone's feeling of just relaxing in the summer.

Good, good stuff. Very nicely done. Pleasure to read.

If you could keep an eye out for the next piece I post, whenever that may be, a crit would be much appreciated.
#5
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
its about the summer and sun and sleeping and anything else you fancy that begins with the letter 's'. its a nice letter.

like sandwiches?

light spilled crooked through plated glass windows
picks out each particle that hangs, falls and flies.

this first bit sounds a little awkward cos "crooked" is an adjective and not an adverb, you've used it here as an adverb so it just sounds kinda weird to me. I'd change that to "crookedly" which would make it better. I love the 2nd line though, "hands falls and flies" is a really interesting choice of words there. Lovely imagery created here.

through cracked curtains flow beams so bright that they
scar across the room as yellow sunned wounds.

Very interesting diction in the first line, the inverted word order makes it sound very... i don't know.. archaic mebbe? i love these 2 liens more than the first 2.

against deep blue walls bounce photons that spill
and fill and dance in technicolor.

loving these electronic descriptions here matt. not much else to say, this sounds ace.

yet in this lethargy i am still content
with only the windfall that blows through my door.

jsut an idea, but in the first line i'd be really tempted to switch the word order again to "still i am content"- just adds a tiny bit of spark to it.
this is beautiful though. really summery and cool.

but no sandwiches
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
[quote="
light spilled crooked through plated glass windows
picks out each particle that hangs, falls and flies.
This is a nice opening, makes me want to read on a lot.

through cracked curtains flow beams so bright that they
scar across the room as yellow sunned wounds.
This is a nice use of imagery here, made from the use of metaphor, so two good techniques here. It also flows very well.

against deep blue walls bounce photons that spill
and fill and dance in technicolor.
Lol, i couldn't help but think of a disco ball here, again, great use of imagery, the word choice of "technicolor" is probably what makes me think of disco balls, but hey.

yet in this lethargy i am still content
with only the windfall that blows through my door.

Nice conclusion, a great way to end this thing.

crit for crit, like for like.

Overall, a great poem, nothing really cliche or boring about it.
10/10

The link for mine is in my sig, once you have time to crit it.

Thx, and another congrats.
#7
I always thought that "s" in literature hinted a hissing sound?

Comment properly later if i get time
#8
what kind of music would you put to that because with how serene it sounds a high capo'd acoustic or a ukelele (if you're feeling crazy) would sound great.
"His clothes are dirty, but his hands are clean" - Lay Lady Lay
#9
Quote by Jammydude44
I have an issue with tenses here. The first stanza talked in the past, here we deal in the present. Is this intentional? Once more, you describe the scene well. "Scars" works very nicely here.


well, the first stanza is actually in the present tense; light spilled crooked is the thing which 'picks out' the particles of dust... it does read as though its in the past tense though, you're right...

jallas; i think i will change that last stanza... and on the crooked/crookedly thing, you're right, it isnt gramatically correct, but i just like the sound of it and think the -'ly' would take some of that away. i may change it though, i'll have to think...

jammydude44; i thought the same thing about that line when i wrote it, syllable wise its pretty close, but i think perhaps ending on 'technicolour' has a bit effect on the feel of the line... i might make it different somehow

Tapir-man; i'm really not sure what im going to do with this piece yet. i probably will do something musical with it though. we'll see.

and to everyone who's critted, thankyou, i'll return crits soonish...
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#10
jammydude44; i thought the same thing about that line when i wrote it, syllable wise its pretty close, but i think perhaps ending on 'technicolour' has a bit effect on the feel of the line... i might make it different somehow


I was just thinking of anything constructive I could give- it was very hard to find something to crit. I didn't have a real problem with it, was just trying to give you something.