#1
***NOTICE: I am only starting to get into playing/writing music (just bought my first acoustic guitar this past December, and my first electric guitar 2 weeks ago), but I do want to seriously explore my potential in music writing, composing, etc. This is one of the songs I've written for a band called "The Kings of Fake"

http://www.myspace.com/kingsoffake

We're currently in the process of composing these songs, and will hopefully have some of these tracks uploaded in the coming months. This is my first attempts at songwriting, but I would appreciate your honest opinions on my writing.

LET THE BRUTALITY COMMENCE! haha.

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"Slow Shutter Speed"
Written by Jeremiah Tayao
Last Revised on 06/03/06


Crunching the gravel beneath my toes
Leaving that life behind me
Leaving that life behind me
Erase the pain from my crippled soul
Don't you dare come closer
I deserve to be alone

Slow shutter speed
This night air has become so visually stimulating
Streak baby streak
I'm getting weak from breathing
Suffocated by this evening

Waste away in this rotten hole
Comfortable in this silence
Your tearful cries are like sirens
Escape into the black unknown
My pockets empty out beneath me
There's nothing left inside for me to hold

Slow shutter speed
This night air has become so visually stimulating
Streak baby streak
I'm getting weak from breathing
Suffocated by this evening

This path I walk
Illuminates
The city street lights evacuate
The calming sound of rushing waves
It drowns the noise of this sleeping wake
And as this foolish heart concedes
Another foolish heart will bleed
Red on the carpet entrance
Red on the carpet entrance

Slow shutter speed
This night air has become so visually stimulating
Streak baby streak
I'm getting weak from breathing
Suffocated by this evening
#2
If it helps, I sort of envision this song to have a bit of a Red Hot Chili Peppers feel. The more mellow sound to their brand of music anyway.
#3
nice, some of the lyrics are fairly cliche though, like "Comfortable in this silence", i've heard varieties of that line a million times, but you managed to make it flow greatly.
8.5/10.

Check mine out will you? the links in the sig
#4
i really liked it. everything from the flow to the rhymes.. you have some brilliant lines throughout the lyrics and there's nice use of descriptive devices from beginning to end. i thought it was great. keep up the good work. doesn't seem like its your first time. oh, but i didn't like that one line, "streak baby streak".
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#5
Very nice. I'd say 8.5/10. Especially liked the internal rhyme in what seems to be the refrain. Please crit back https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370310
#6
Quote by AAA_the_band
nice, some of the lyrics are fairly cliche though, like "Comfortable in this silence", i've heard varieties of that line a million times, but you managed to make it flow greatly.
8.5/10.

Check mine out will you? the links in the sig


do you think it would work better if i used the line "uncomfortable in this silence" better? because i originally used that line to play a contrasting role to "sirens", but i can see how that might work too. or is the problem with the line itself being cliche?
#7
I liked this. It sounds like the speaker has nothing left to offer or something of that matter. The rhyme scheme changes quite a bit though, maybe you want to address that. However the content was very good.
#8
Quote by Green_Fox
i really liked it. everything from the flow to the rhymes.. you have some brilliant lines throughout the lyrics and there's nice use of descriptive devices from beginning to end. i thought it was great. keep up the good work. doesn't seem like its your first time. oh, but i didn't like that one line, "streak baby streak".


the "streak baby streak" line is in reference to the effect putting a camera on slow shutter speed has on the image. it causes the image itself to streak, which is why it's in the song.

example: http://www.stsite.com/camera/images/slowshut2.jpg

thanks for the feedback, but i'm keeping that line and there's nothing you can do about it! lol j/k.
#9
^ That's only true if the image is in motion. I wasn't a big fan of hte song it was decent. but i give you kudos for not rhyming a bunch since you are new to song writing. so kudos
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?