#1
This is a song I'm working on right now....still looking for a decent chorus but I still wanted to know what you think of it.

Like the smell of fresh mowed lawn on april twenty-third
I will soon be gone and what I've said will stay unheard
Like me the heards move on, oh when the evenings get longer
and shorter still the time becomes and still my heart grows stronger

the cars, the trains, the aeroplanes, all is moving on
the scars, the pain, the dryed out stains, forever holding on
The shadows of my yesterdays, like paint they stick to me
my face you would not recognize, my past you would not see
#2
i get the emotions you put in here, and it's pretty decent. but im not such a fan of AABB rhyming schemes for songs. i think this is neat for a poem. i can't judge it as a song though, i think i can only give you a full crit if you've already finished this.

keep it up!

EDIT:
can u crit mine if u have time? if u don't, that's fine...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=347959
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360579

u'll c it's not by the username im using right now, but that's mine...

thanks in advance!
Last edited by hard.luck.baby at Jun 4, 2006,
#3
I think the AABB scheme in place here does make you force some of the rhyming just to keep to the scheme. I really didn't like the on/on rhyme, or the me/see for that matter- they seemed very simple and basic, just to keep to AABB.

What I'm trying to say is, if you include such techinques as the internal rhymes and maybe assonance or alliteration, you don't need to always have a strict rhyme pattern. AABB can work, but it needs to be well crafted to seem cliche.

That said, this is good stuff, and would love to see a finished piece.
#4
Like the smell of fresh mowed lawn on april twenty-third
I will soon be gone and what I've said will stay unheard
Like me the heards move on, oh when the evenings get longer
and shorter still the time becomes and still my heart grows stronger

this was all very good, but in the last line where you say "short still the time becomes" i'm kinda confused, cos like, the days in summer are getting longer, rather than short so i'm not really sure what you're getting at there. this is cool though, i really really really really like the first line with the "fresh mowed lawn" because it's so... i don't know... original. the idea of that is amazing, it's totally a summer smell lol. love it.

the cars, the trains, the aeroplanes, all is moving on
the scars, the pain, the dryed out stains, forever holding on
The shadows of my yesterdays, like paint they stick to me
my face you would not recognize, my past you would not see

that first line here is amaazing. "the trains, the aeroplanes" bit is just fantastic. that is some good writing mate. itnernal rhyming rocksss. ooh same for the next line, cool stuff =D
okay with that 2nd line though, i'm not too keen on how you rhymed the same word with line 1: "moving on" and "holding on".

but anyway, good god those last 2 lines are amaizng, especially the very alst one. i think i love them. i think i do. yeah great writing.

i think this song will be just fantastic when you're finished. you should psot it up here lol. great job here man, i really really really liked this bit
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#5
Woow thanks a lot there jallas!
"shorter still the time becomes"
I meant the time left for the protagonist till he moves on again...the story of the song is pretty much about someone who ran away from home and is now travelling through the world, finding no place to stay.
I finished a third verse to it:

I always sing the same song, different just the bus I'm on
"oh come away, we'll go anywhere in albion"
While the people stare into eyes they'll never see again
I'm like the pidgeons flying off the face of old big ben


the line "oh come away, we'll go anywhere in albion" I quoted from the babyshambles, it just made sense to me there.
Last edited by StageCustom at Jun 4, 2006,