#1
My station is nearing completion
And I am tired.
I have spent, I have lied, I have sinned.
I repent.
But not yet.
This boat will carry the day
And carry me off to parts unknown
The sabbatical will give my doubts time to manifest,
And infest, so that they broach the node of thought and erode.

Then the storm came, and I abandoned the boat-
I was wallowing in a sea of self pity.
There was a tangible scent of irony in the air
And I followed it to the source,
An island, and it sold deception.
And I bought it.

Infallible fallacy, you are one with my heart, one with my soul.
And you wear your hole in the bottom of this with pride
You?ve lied to me about taking advice,
And helped me forget what was mine.
But would you leave me without my last kiss?
Leave me for dead under the Artic ice?
Bury me under miles of sand and stone?


We make our final stand, against time,
Against everything, and we-

What are we? Do we even exist?
Me, a pathetic footnote in the social hierarchy.
Have I conjured this doppelganger from the evening mist?
Tormented my fleshly counterpart years upon end
For nothing?


Of course I chose deception. Anything is better than this.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#2
Wow.

Really, really good stuff. Strong imagery, good metaphor, just, fantastic writing.

Yet- I dunno. Perhaps I just like more upebat pieces that leave a positive feeling. but thats me.

9/10. Really good. I'd love to be more critical, but I'm not keen on critting pieces constructively that are just over my head. I'll leave it to the more expericned writers here for that. But it was great to read- Keep it going.
#3
nicely done man, I don't really have anything wrong with this piece. Nice use of metaphors and imagery here.

Will you crit mine? the link's in the sig, and i'da prreciate it.

thx, and great piece
#4
I truly interesting poem, and one that I'm sure is quite personal perhaps?

I liked the random bits of rhyme that popped up - intentional or not. Assonance and internal rhyme add to the piece as a whole.
My main problem: the metaphor of sailing alone on a ship at sea has become overdone, to my belief anyway.
Still, it didn't really effect this piece altogether. Like jammy said, the very bitter tone of this poem, all the way from the title to the completion isn't to my personal tastes, but otherwise I did enjoy this.
#5


Infallible fallacy,


This made the piece for me... like wow, thats such a great line.

Overall, I will return to full crit this as this was really ****ing interesting and dare I say Excellent. Definitely the best I have seen from you. This is one of those pieces the I would return just to read again, it was that good. I think it was the amazing imagery. Anyway ya, I will return with more praise later...

In the mean time would you mind taking a gander at mine (I'm sorry for this shameless plug): https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370229
#6
Thanks all.

Synth, AAA, I'll get to yours but it might take a while ><
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
Last edited by s0nofabe4ch at Jun 8, 2006,
#8
I'm going to judge this rather hard:

My station is nearing completion think of a more captivating intro, this seemed rather bland
And I am tired. mundane, but I believe thats what you were going for.
I have spent, I have lied, I have sinned.
I repent. its alright, I was about to chastize you over the unoriginal ;I have sinned' but you recovered very well
But not yet. the continual pausing of the full stop is kinda messing the flow up here
This boat will carry the day
And carry me off to parts unknown find a clever synonym for 'parts unknown'
The sabbatical will give my doubts time to manifest, find a less dull word for 'sabbatical' maybe something more mysterious
And infest, so that they broach the node of thought and erode. brilliant line

Then the storm came, and I abandoned the boat-
I was wallowing in a sea of self pity. EMO ALERT LOLZ0RZ!!!!
There was a tangible scent of irony in the air excellent
And I followed it to the source,
An island, and it sold deception. interesting, but i think maybe a little two straightforward
And I bought it.

Infallible fallacy, you are one with my heart, one with my soul. again, this line made the piece for me
And you wear your hole in the bottom of this with pride
You?ve lied to me about taking advice, again, synonyms would save your but here from being rather repetitive and almost cliche
And helped me forget what was mine.
But would you leave me without my last kiss?
Leave me for dead under the Artic ice? I loved this line
Bury me under miles of sand and stone?

We make our final stand, against time,
Against everything, and we-

What are we? Do we even exist? unescesary. If you are going to question existence than for the love of god make it simple and mysterious, my point is that the second portion of this line is stupid
Me, a pathetic footnote in the social hierarchy.
Have I conjured this doppelganger from the evening mist?
Tormented my fleshly counterpart years upon end
For nothing?

Of course I chose deception. Anything is better than this.good last line but maybe you wanna tie in the sailing aspect again into the conclusion.

50% excellent, 50% crap, and 50% brilliance, almost a winning combination