#1
Walking overhead, the soot-faced man sees the cards that were dealt to the luckier,
Stuck flat on the bottom of their steel cap soles,
Everyday, their shoes tapping formal rhythms in the pavement, setting the tone for the day and
They?re pushin? like they can?t see
But never does it hit him, just moves him, soot faced man
a realization; he?s located somewhere beyond communication
As he?s sitting on the pavement
Thinks about his childhood
Kids he used to play with
Climb golden trees, was told anyone of us could make it to the top
Red hopscotch lines drenched the sidewalk, tripping the children who couldn?t
Get their feet in time with the boundaries sketched out for them
And now the boys without skinned knees
Silk ties, glares, careful but careless; hurl down silver cutter
Even with contempt, he takes what they throw
Catch a glimpse of each other?s soul window
Big man, crowned man, he?ll be scared stiff
But continue carelessly
That kind of reality isn?t one he has to deal with
Across the road a Technicolor pyramid beams light from the roof to persuade
Stigma into pseudo honor
Walking through the tall skinny glass walls which open with help from a detector that can trace those whose appearances shatter and can sustain this elite form of luck
There?s really no winner, it?s whether or not you want to feel worth the cutter
And the wheel is spun so fast that their naked eyes forget everything else
Lighting cigarettes and downing poison marked with a green olive
Dealer passing out unknown hands to enthusiastic faces, which change to blank, bleak, disgorging in the back alley when heads are turned
At midnight in the 24-hour shack, a track played on repeat
; Sea gull?s cries and the ocean waves rhythmic allure
The man with the government on his mind, said
?That nature scene is dead?
Soot faced man just stayed still
Cause he never saw the beauty in it anyway
#2
I'm not good at critting these pieces, so I can only tell you that I really enjoyed this, thought it was well worded and you managed to avoid any tedious repetition that sometimes occurs during pieces similar to this.

Good Job. 8/10.
#3
Nicely done mate, Good use of imagery and I like how the whole thing seems to flow together. The only problem here is that it is so long, now that isn't a bad thing because it flows so much, but it left me kinda wondering when it was ever gonna end

9/10

If you'll crit mine, the links in my sig.

thx
#4
that was perfect. i ahte to leave a really short crit on something so great as that but i really have nothing at all to suggest for improvements, or changes y'know. i lvoed every line, every word in it. that is some great writing imo. again sorry for this half-assed crit but y'know, i dunno what to say about

good job!
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