#1
The song has one riff through out, which changes only for the chorus (think When I Come Around).
I'm not much a songwriter, but I get bored of doing covers, so here you go.

Lights out, but I don't care
I feel the night creeping into the cold air
I'll stay up 'til 7 AM and
I don't care if I die

It's 11 and I'm sitting at the TV
At this hour, concentration isn't easy
I'll stay up 'til 4 AM and
Maybe I'll make some pie

I'm sick of sleeping the night away
In seven hours you could do something useful
Why not, now'd be a good day to stray
Try something new, though it may be harmful

It's 1 AM, and I'm suffocating
My brain's shutting down, and I'm not controlling
I'm going to sleep right now or
Else I think I'll die

I'm sick of sleeping the night away
In seven hours you could do something useful
Why not, now'd be a good day to stray
Try something new, but it's definitely harmful
#4
There's nothing wrong with this being posted here.

I felt that alot of the rhyming was forced. Especially when you used "pie". The rhyme scheme in general seems to be all over the place, which detracts from the impact of the song.

Got a Blink 182 feel from it, if thats what you were aiming for, its a compliment. Although ti was simple, that's punk, and it's done well, although for punk you would probably need more of a repeated hook.

Anyways, 7/0, it seemed very fun and upbeat.

If you could possibly go here and crit my newest piece, it would much appreciated.