#1
Hey im the lead guitarist in my band 'Hero In Action', use to be known as Sound Transmitted Disease and Stoneville.

Heres a song we wrote called 'C'mon'

You think that it?s ok
You take it with a smile
You´re constantly afraid when you´re at home, how could it be
you?re always scared of him,
disgusted everyday,
you know he beats you up for every little thing you do.

Take his fists,
Take his rapes,
Or leave him now.

C'mon, C'mon, C'mon,
You have make it right tonight,
Or he will beat you up,
C'mon, C'mon, C'mon,
You have make it right tonight,
Or he will beat you up.

You don?t have any friends,
You left them cause of him,
It was when all your friends start asking about your marks,
You don?t know what to do,
You are to scared to leave,
You know he tells you if you leave him you will die.

Leave him now
Take a chance
C'mon'!

C'mon, C'mon, C'mon,
you have make it right tonight,
or he will beat you up,
C'mon, C'mon, C'mon,
you have make it right tonight,
or he will beat you up.

Feedback would be awesome!
#2
one read of the chorus and it's very childish with the "or he will beat you up line" it sounds like you are 12. Now this is a very sensitive and tough subjects also the bluntness you used in lines such as "take his rapes" is bad. You should be more subtle and find away around that bluntness. The flow is off in places and i think this piece was pretty sub par.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
Hmmm maybe you myte understand it more if i upload our recorded version. I'll upload it now.
#4
From just reading the title it seemed either cliched or a simple song.

Everything furtherfan says above should be taken onboard. Lines like "take his rape" are very tasteless and don't do much for the song.

Basically, I can't argue with furtherfan, It's spot on.
#6
We here to crit the lyrics, not the music. You want that critted, find the orginal recordings forum.
#9
Quote by sTD182
Hmmm maybe you myte understand it more if i upload our recorded version.


It's not a matter of not understanding. He was just pointing out that this is way too blunt, which it is. Jammydude and furtherfan were right on, I agree with them completely.
#11
Not a matter of flow either. It was just not very well written. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I listened to the song (by the way, this is not the place to be advertising your band), and that didn't help.
#12
hey i know hero in action and i reckon you guys are quality! i much prefer the therapy song though thats wicked! cheers man x
actually its mildly orange...