#1
Some of the older me.. I do like writing like this. It is a revision and slight rewrite on a song I found from a month or so ago. I'm crit for crit, as always.

Hope you enjoy it..

PS. Thanks to all those who mentioned my name for WoTM.

That blond right there I saw her last night
Wearing the same, she was having a fight
With a guy on the edge of his seat, with a drink
It might have been beer but It's a lager I think

And later they both went to home to bed
Intoxicated they had a pain in their head
But the distance between them was a fair way
Cos I saw them apart much earlier today

They're brother and sister who don't get along
In blood there alike but in song their all wrong
A fight every hour, a bruise everyday
I should just kick his ass anyway

Yeah Yeah, Woah Woah

The brunnette right there in the corner
Well last night she was sadly a mourner
Looked on in despair as she flicked her hair
A glance in my direction and in a shot I was there

Turns out she'd been fighting that eve
Said next time it happened that she would leave
She poured her drink into my mug
I leant in to give her more than a hug

They're brother and sister who don't get along
In blood there alike but in song their all wrong
A fight every hour, a bruise everyday
I should just kick his ass anyway

Yeah Yeah, Woah Woah
Hey Hey, Oh Oh

Yeh his ass should be kicked
For the damage that he's caused
But he's just so difficult to predict

Family crisis is his main handle
His job's about lying and acting
And his main racket is scandal

Well the blond and the brown are ones I could save
Left their brothers not looking all too brave
And last night I saw them both flash a smile
Of all my feelings, that was best by a mile

They were brother and sister who didn't get along
In blood their alike but in song their all wrong
But now it's a laugh an hour, a joke everyday
Well they've finally got it right in life, finally today

Yeah Yeah, Woah Woah
Hey Hey, Oh No
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 4, 2006,
#2
good stuff bro. i really liked your exemplary use of 3rd person to tell this story. the line towards the end that goes "best by a mile" sort of threw me off from your song. i was also engaged by the lyrics up until your characters found their resolution. because you are dealing with such a sensitive subject with domestic abuse and what appears to be incest, the divine intervention that the person telling the narrative has on these two women seem to jump too quickly. so their lives begin all messed up, then the narrator comes along, gives them hugs, and everything's okay. because of the degree of conflict, it seems like too much of a jump too fast. somehow, it seems like you set us up more for a tragic end to your song than an upbeat one, but good start!
#3
Thanks for the crit.

The bad to good storyline was something that people saw as a problem in one of my previous pieces- but I seem to like happy endings. I did try to inject a bit more darkness to it thought- In the last verse I refer to the two being "ones I could save" which suggest there are others suffering.

I also ended it with "Oh No"- me realising there's more to help.

thanks for your critisicm. It really does help writers develop and learn.
#5
That was really good! Rhymed well, nice narrative too.
The only thing I would say is that you mentioned the kicking of the ass twice, which was a little repetive.
Thanks for the crit on my song.
9/10
#6
Thanks for the crit.

I may get round to your other one, Mr. Artist. Two from me in a night would be a very kind gesture
#9
Some of the lines had too many syllables I think. If you're gonna write about a subject as serious as this one, I think you need to use a bit more complexity so that the theme really comes across as you want it to. I don't think the rhyme scheme helped here either - it really restricts you from saying what you want to.
The ending is quite nice, but overall I wasn't too keen on this one jammy. Still, it's some good stuff.
#10
TBH I didn't enjoy this as much as your last song, but it still has a good theme run and as you say a happy ending, which is nice as always. I enjoyed the ding dong sort of flow this had and can imagine this being a hard bluesy number. I think this is a hard subject to write about, but you have made a good attempt mate. I think you shoulda kicked his balls right out of his throat hey hey whoa whoa.

I do like your your whoa whoas
All the best Jammy
#11
Thankyou you two, I really do appreciate your crits.

It was a bit of an old song that I just rewrote a tad, which is probably why it has the AABB scheme, as It was an early-ish song and I didn't have much of a clue then.

Thanks again.

Woah.
#12
I owe you a comment I think.

Just really busy revising for English GCSE tomorrow.

I'll try do this soon.
#13
Short crit-

The rhymes seem forced and primary, which hinder the piece on a whole.

And it sounds quite like some Arctic Monkeys or brit pop esque stuff.

The AM's are good quite a bit, but this lacks what theres has-wit,cleverness and boldness.

Work on it and you'll get it. It's a nice style to try, it can be quite easy.


edit:title's great though
#14
Thanks pickups.

I also didn't like my rhyming- as previously mentioned, it was an older song of mine.

And I am also hugely inspired by Arctic Monkeys, so If you got that vibe from just this, then great, that's awesome.

Once more, thanks for your comment.
#15
I don't really have much to say here that hasn't been coveres, except the rhyme scheme just doesn't seem right to me, of course i may be seeing the rhythm a different way than you, but it just didn't seem to flow. Anyway, otherwise a good piece man.

Could you take a look at mine? the links in the sig if you have time.

thx and good job
#17
I really loved this, man. The beat and rhythm to it really made it a great read. I loved this line" "In blood there alike but in song their all wrong" I just liked the way you phrased the idea. I think that this was very well written and thought out to have such a consistant and good meter to it.

Sorry that I'm so late in critiquing this, by the way. My internet was down most of this week.
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