#1
I think this song is going to have a kind of "Dashboard Confessional" feel to it.
Its sort of about how me and some chick have a really good time together, but alas, shes gone. The last part is about, how at the end she sort of got really angry at everyone around her. This is sort of a "part 2" to a song I wrote a week or two ago.
I know it's not exactly good but it just flowed out of me like piss when you have to go really bad and can't hold it. lol. Actually I hate this peice.

Verse 1
Perceiving, deceiving,
Those who journey without a purpose,
Usually can't see past the end of their nose,
Weaving or leaving,
They both end with a short lived laugh,
Don't end it with such a brutal attack,
The point is here, don't sit and stare,
Do something, don't wait for when and where,

Chorus
Take it or leave it,
Love it, believe it
Drop it, and stop it
Theres a seat over here so you can watch your life fall apart

Verse 2
Waiting, debating,
For that moment of truth
Lately, I've seen
Nothing but lies out of you,
Take my word,
I know that you can't be serious,
What have I learned?
That you should quit acting like your delirious.

Chorus (x1)

Bridge
Who knew the things that you would do,
What would've happened to you?
To sum it up I'll return by saying,
I liked it better when we were dating.

Chorus (x2)
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#2
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I think this song is going to have a kind of "Dashboard Confessional" feel to it.
Its sort of about how me and some chick have a really good time together, but alas, shes gone. The last part is about, how at the end she sort of got really angry at everyone around her. This is sort of a "part 2" to a song I wrote a week or two ago.
I know it's not exactly good but it just flowed out of me like piss when you have to go really bad and can't hold it. lol. Actually I hate this peice.

Verse 1
Perceiving, deceiving,
Those who journey without a purpose,
Usually can't see past the end of their nose,
Weaving or leaving,
They both end with a short lived laugh,
Don't end it with such a brutal attack,
The point is here, don't sit and stare,
Do something, don't wait for when and where,

This is a good line, all except the "end of their nose" part, it just doesn't seem to fit in. Nice rhyme scheme btw.

Chorus
Take it or leave it,
Love it, believe it
Drop it, and stop it
Theres a seat over here so you can watch your life fall apart

This chorus is one of the best four line stanzas i've seen here, i think because of the way it just flows greatly.

Verse 2
Waiting, debating,
For that moment of truth
Lately, I've seen
Nothing but lies out of you,
Take my word,
I know that you can't be serious,
What have I learned?
That you should quit acting like your delirious.

This sounds good, the only bad part is i think the the last line is too long, and removes the flow of the song.

Chorus (x1)

Bridge
Who knew the things that you would do,
What would've happened to you?
To sum it up I'll return by saying,
I liked it better when we were dating.

this line made me laugh for some unknown reason...ah well, its good line, not great, not bad, just fits in i guess.


Chorus (x2)


Why don't you like this piece? its good in general, just a few revisions and you'll have a good piece.

8/10

Could you check out mine too? the link's in the sig, if you have the time.

thx
#3
i like it alot. some parts were a little bumpy though. try to stay on one subject but spread it out at the same time. and i think the chorus could be a little longer. but over all pretty well done
#4
The line with delirious should be changed so it doesn't have the " like your " in it. Apart from that no other problems lyrically. 8/10 until I hear a recording.
#5
Wow thanks guys, I never thought I'd get positive feedback on this peice. To me it seems way to angry and it got way out of my style that I usually write in. I'll take a look at yours soon AAA.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#6
KICKS-ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=P

vote calvin vote calvin.
I voted calvin so YOU SHOULD TOO!!!!!!

franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#7
It was an alright piece, I think the chorus could do with a little work. And I didn't take to how the second verse flows different to the first, just seemed a bit out of place.

Meh. 6/10 from me. I don't think this is your best. Sorry, I'm probably just in a bad mood but I didn't think too much of this.
#8
Lol, it's fine jammster, I didn't like it much at all either, I was in a bad mood that day...

And Franz, where would I be without you?
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.