#1
I wrote most of this song in the middle of last winter (my least favourite season). Anyway, i finished all the guitar work for it and realized i had only done the first half of the song, so I finished it all up today.

Crit for crit, help me make it better, please

?A Whisper in the Wind?
These winter nights are long and black
Life's motions seem confused
The tall grey trees moan with the wind
While a blackbird shrilly cries

The Ice Queen rules the winter skies
From her castle upon the moon
Gazing from her frozen throne
Cloaking the earth in icy snow

It reminds me of days long ago
Days of warmth and shining lights
Before this never-ending winter
When pain was just a memory

Yeah, the ages come
And the ages go
But everything's still the same
Though I hear the signs of change
On a whisper in the wind

Now a new wind stirs the valley
A fresh breath upon my face
A warm south wind thaws the ice
And gives the people new life

The Ice Queen, with her blue-steel knife
Descends from her lunar throne
To destroy this rebellious wind
But she cannot slay the breath

Dismayed, she falls down to her knees
For her winter spell has failed
The south wind heralded new spring
And an end to tyranny

Yeah, the ages come
And the ages go
I gotta see you again
But maybe I?ll just hear you
On a whisper in the wind
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
Last edited by doctor_rocker at Jun 4, 2006,
#2
How to make it better? man, this has to be one of the best pieces i've seen. Sorry about the short crit for a long poem but herre...
Great use of Imagery and Emotion.
The rhyme scheme is great and it fits perfectly with your mood, the "i hate winter mood" lol.
Nice use of metaphor and in some cases personification.

10/10

The link for mines in the sig, when you have time.

thx, and congrats on a good piece .
#3
Hey man awesome lyrics...I really liked the images they conveyed..it sort of painted a picture in my head...and the use of symbolism is really good here as well...I also like how it doesn't rhyme...that's quite a feet...thanks for letting me read it...
"Peace, Love, and Stadium Arcadium"
#4
holy...lol i posted that i liked your rhyme scheme, but i just realized that for the most part it doesn't rhyme...Great job then...of making it flow, even with out rhyme
#5
well it does rhyme, in a strange sense. I decided to do things differently, so the last line of each verse rhymes with the first line of the following verse.

[EDIT]: And thanks a ton for the compliments
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#6
Wow. Like mentioned above i have to say that this is one of the best pieces i have ever read. I salute you bro. I love the way u wrote this. The metaphors and how it doesn't really rhyme and just everything. Great job.
©Ibanez4
#7
Wow. Just... wow. That has to be one of the best pieces of poetic work I've ever read in my life. I can't think of any way to make it better; great imagery, potent use of metaphor, and the story is just great. 10/10, for sure.

By the way, if you happen to have a few minutes, could you take a look at my first submission here? Link below:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370922
Rig

Jackson DK2M -> ISP Decimator -> Peavey 6505 Combo
#8
^ heh, I'm not entirely sure how many poetic works you read, but I wouldn't say its THAT good. Thanks, though, man. I appreciate it. I'll be sure to get to your song.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)