#1
Hello. Welcome me back. I will return critiques. Leave a link kids.

Part one, about this girl.

...And The Kids Meet

I am waking out of an empty lethargy. I once lived in this vacuum I call earth, it was awhile ago. I'm happy now though, breathing this nonexistent hope for something amazing. It struck me, she has cancer, I repeated this to myself, and she has cancer. Ovarian cancer, not much of a chance to live. I've been reading about how she'll die on wikipedia for the past week. It hasn't helped how I feel. I don't. It's an emotionless barge that floats endlessly in a green ocean of mossy relationships and drowning fish. I guess the beginning has to entail some sort of end. I can't start something new, unless something old ends. Everything is connected like that. Or at least my favorite philosophers tell me it's like that.

I write poetry like I'm in a film noir movie, completely stream of consciousness, and when I finally start to think, about how I think; I come off as a pretentious. I remember one time when I was talking to her about my poetry, I was such an egotist, and I felt so bad, even though she loved it, and we've had known each other for a few months at that point. Her poetry was bad, using formal colloquialisms whenever she had the chance. I just want to tell her how much I love her, but I already have, a hundred times. I just wish it meant as much now. She's going to die, and I can't do anything. I can't go guns blazing into her vagina and shoot the fuck out of that god damn epithelia tumor. I wish I can throw a grenade down her throat to target everything that hurts her, and it will hurt. First the pain starts in the back, which doesn't surprise me because she had back pains at the Sigur Ros concert. Then that pain finally moves into her stomach, and slowly starts causing constant cramps and finally moving into the liver where it destroys it, causing toxins not to be filtered out of your body, this brings internal bleeding and then you die a horribly painful death. Most deaths are never from the actual ovarian cancer, it's from suicide. I want to be there, when she swallows those pills so I can hold her until she dies, I want to breath life back into her and kiss the heart of a dead girl so I can finally now what it is like to lose someone you love.

But I don't and when I finally know, it's going to hit me like a pile of bricks. Here's the beautiful thing, neither of us care. I told her, that when she dies, I'm going to cry, but right now, I couldn't give a fuck. She agreed. It was in that one bonding moment, in her mom's Coupe, that I felt we were both content. With the volume on the stereo turned low, as if to hide whatever emotions the music brought out. I held her hand as she drove and we almost crashed.

She will die, and I will move on.
And I know that's not how she wants me to feel.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jun 4, 2006,
#3
Obtuse, rough, raw emotion packed into language. So many relatable points, so many different gleams of brilliance brought back down to reality. Matt, though i dont know you personally, (and I cant remember how i learned your name) you are brilliant and this, this is art. Welcome back and fitting return (in fact this piece has made me rethink how I write my own writing, more importantly why I write my own writing.)

Edit: wow, that was kinda overdramatic huh? o well, I meant everything I said.

And if would do me the honor: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370229
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 4, 2006,
#4
Thank you very much Synthy, and to the above above poster.

I'm sorry I bored you with cancer, but when someone you love gets it, you might think that reading a pamphlet isn't so bad, jackass.

More would be awesome, remember, I'm returning crits, just leave a link.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
I think I can see why you're kind of a celebrity around this sub-forum. That was so full of raw emotion and excellent word choice. I could literally feel what you were feeling when you wrote it, and it was very deep and emotional. Personally, I prefer lyrical poetry to prose, but for this I make an exception. 10/10, without a second thought.

If you would do my first work the honor of critique, here's the link:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=370922
Rig

Jackson DK2M -> ISP Decimator -> Peavey 6505 Combo
#10
i haven't really read anything by you lately, actually since a while before you stopped posting, i think. but this was so good. besides typos that i can ignore. the whole thing was amazing.. with the cancer and everything. aghfgd link's in sig
#11
Cancer sucks.

"I can't go guns blazing into her vagina and shoot the **** out of that god damn epithelia tumor" that line was great, cynical and sarcastic and whatnot. The whole thing really captures the horrid hospital room/waiting to die scenario/waiting to move on scenario.

However, the last two lines were a bit lacking, it's just too blunt to be emotionally moving or potent. Other than that, I loved it. Well, not exactly loved, more like connected to it.

Anyways, here's my latest, if you would be so kind.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#12
Pretty raw, rough, heavy-duty stuff, my friend. I liked it, and I liked alot of the imagery. At times I felt like I was reading a Lou Reed piece.
Fears a powerful thing
#13
Thanks again everyone.

I'll let this drop down to the bottom again, before I post another, I've got 30 days worth of material lined up for June.

So yeah, keep the critiques coming and so will I.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#14
Holy ****. You have major talent. I loved the pure emotion. I would have to say you possibly the best writer on these forums. This piece blew me away completely, I myself, and I bet many other people on this forum would give anything to write like you
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Last edited by guitar_freak333 at Jun 6, 2006,
#15
It hasn't helped how I feel. I don't. It's an emotionless barge that floats endlessly in a green ocean of mossy relationships and drowning fish.Nice! loved the imagery. I guess the beginning has to entail some sort of end. I can't start something new, unless something old ends.I kinda didn't like the repetition of 'end' at the end of the last two sentences, it works...but it sounds kinda silly. Everything is connected like that. Or at least my favorite philosophers tell me it's like that. Good, I like the doubt that's given off from that last sentence

I write poetry like I'm in a film noir movie, completelyshouldn't it be '...complete...'? stream of consciousness, and when I finally start to think, about how I think; I come off as a pretentious. I remember one time when I was talking to her about my poetry, I was such an egotist, and I felt so bad, even though she loved it, and we've had known each other for a few months at that point. Her poetry was bad, using formal colloquialisms whenever she had the chance. God that speaks to me, I know exactly where that's coming from.

First the pain starts in the back, which doesn't surprise me because she had back pains at the Sigur RosGood band, by the way. concert. Then that pain finally moves into her stomach, and slowly starts causing constant cramps and finally moving into the liver where it destroys it, causing toxins not to be filtered out of your body You started the sentence talking about 'her' body then you moved into the second person. Stay away from second person...it sounds amateur and can be just plain insulting, haha. But yeah don't change who you're talking about or to or go into the second person, all are no-nos., this brings internal bleeding and then you again die a horribly painful death.

She will die, and I will move on.
And I know that's not how she wants me to feel. Good ending.

Wow, I really really loved this, it spoke to me so much. I have been in so many of the situations you so artfully described. One of the best things about it is that I actually was convinced it was a true story for a while, unless it is...then I'm wrong and sorry for that...

Anyways, excellent writing.

Please crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=369729
Thanks.
#16
Wow. This made my day. Excellent style, my friend. And if this is personal, good luck. <3
#18
Yeah this is a all true, and happening right now.

Thanks so much for all the feedback.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#19
Welcome back.

"so I can finally now what"
Know.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#20
wow that was pretty amazing... i really admire your style because it is so different then mine but it works amazingly well. I can't really point anything bad out of this piece it was all good... could u check my piece out at this link?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=372081
thnx in advance

~Ellis
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#23
that was indeed very good. amazingly written matt.
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