#1
Okay, so i found a piece of paper from last year. I had written a song/poem of sorts on it. Let me know what you all think of it. I don't have a title for it yet, but i don't know if it's something i can work with, or if i should try to write better stuff. My personal thoughts say it definitely shows signs of my lack of maturity back then. I feel quite grown up since then. And it's been only a year.

Any empty book
An empty mind
They keep each
Other right in time

Both of them would
Speak so clearly
If only they
Were not so dreary

Only one chance
They have to speak
With no blood from pen
Or single thought
They would both remain bleak

Having been lonely
For some time
The writer begins
To speak his mind

Writing faster
Page by page
Both of them
Begin to age

Many a time later
They both begin to wither
People tend to forget
About the mind
And it's paper


Whether it's bad or good, just let me know what you think. Be respectful, please. Nothing like "OMG U SUXXX!!11"
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Quote by Fast_Bear
You know your a Bassist when you practice near the ocean, and whales respond.
Last edited by PenumbralFigure at Jun 4, 2006,
#2
actually, I liked this. I liked the simplicity of it, and the themes were thought-provoking enough to make the simplicity a good thing.

This is just a personal thing, but I think that the first verse would sound better as:

An empty book
An empty look
They keep each other
Right on time

I just liked the "aa" rhyming with the "ook" sound to start it off. This is, of course, just a suggestion. If you'd rather have mind to stay in the general rhyme scheme and for the theme of your song, then that's fine. I just thought it sounded neat this way.

good job on this, though
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#3
Thanks! About your suggestion, my theme was connecting poetry and music, though when i was writing this, i remember not always thinking of that.
Proud member of The Bass Militia! PM IndieMetalhead to join!

Quote by Fast_Bear
You know your a Bassist when you practice near the ocean, and whales respond.
#4
yeah.... oh, and for the title, I thought of something like: "Empty" or "Thoughts" or something...
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)