#1
An idea I came up with ages ago.

I wrote this piece for you.
I wrote this piece so that instead of saying whether it was good or bad, you'd tell me what you think was inside the box of what. It's all about your interpretation.

Anything goes, so answer my question, visualise youself here.



Don?t you remember any of this?
Not that it happened, but if it did, would you?

I mean, first you noted to me
The ?beautiful plastic trees?.
[Looked like common ivy to me]

But can?t you remember your first steps towards it?
You said you could feel the presence like a voice to the deaf,
Like the rest to the dead.


It?s not even like it was long ago,
Or will be long to wait, even.

But you looked so out of place,
The sudden hand unravelling the shadow lace.

Said, this is it.
Once I get there, I?ll leave you.
[How long, I asked]
Just forever,
Whispered through the filaments focus,
Right to my ear, then to my brain,
By which time my legs had functioned
And I had turned away.

But really, stronger now of even then,
What haunts coincidence is its chance of happening again.
So tell me once and then I?ll reach to the point in which I forgot,
What really was in the box of what?
#2
I liked this a lot. I think the structure and flow was unique, but in no way bad. Loved the way your phrased things and just the whole language of the song. I can see you taking this several different ways musically, and that's a good thing. Great job, man. This was quite an enjoyable song to read.

If you have the time, I'd appreciate a crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5778053#post5778053
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#3
Interesting piece, pickups. I tried to get my head around it, but probably failed to fit with what you intended, unless you had nothing particular in mind and were just testing our imagination.

I'm not sure, I sort of got a kind of graveyard from it. I'll take it step by step to what I gathered:


Don?t you remember any of this?
Not that it happened, but if it did, would you?

I mean, first you noted to me
The ?beautiful plastic trees?.
[Looked like common ivy to me]

I'll try and explain how I got to a graveyard. I didn't get too much from here, but as I read on, I made it in my mind that the "plastic trees" seemed to resemble cheap tributes laid for those lost, by those who had moved on and forgotten, and didn't too much care about the deceased. Hard to explain, I know, but imagine a women who had married for money, and now just lays flowers at her dead husbands grave for just show, while she carries her diamond encrusted purse. Get what I'm saying?

The Ivy comment didn't really have an effect on me, except that it seemed like you , the person with me in this place, were just pointing out that it happens all the time, like the false remorse, or feelings, were everywhere.

Stick with me...


But can?t you remember your first steps towards it?
You said you could feel the presence like a voice to the deaf,
Like the rest to the dead.


First two lines- They made me feel of walking up to the grave of someone I knew, at night, and recalling my memories of them. Like I was still in shock, I still think that the deceased was going to pop out at anytime and tell me it was all a joke, and they were still alive.

I thought the third line was excellent written- dead/rest, very nice. The numb thumbs also made me think of a cold, midnight time.


It?s not even like it was long ago,
Or will be long to wait, even.

First line brings me back to the recently deceased idea I brought up from the last stanza. Second line, maybe saying it won't be long before I join him/her? I'm not sure.

But you looked so out of place,
The sudden hand unravelling the shadow lace.

I really like the fact that some of this is said from the POV of the other person here with me. The "sudden hand" part seemed like the slow realisation of the death dawning on me, and hitting home.

Said, this is it.
Once I get there, I?ll leave you.
[How long, I asked]
Just forever,
Whispered through the filaments focus,
Right to my ear, then to my brain,
By which time my legs had functioned
And I had turned away.

This stanza made me think of the sudden feeling of loss spreading throughout my body, reminding me of the loss at every waking moment. Then I run, desperate to get away from that crushing feeling.

But really, stronger now of even then,
What haunts coincidence is its chance of happening again.
So tell me once and then I?ll reach to the point in which I forgot,
What really was in the box of what?

The first lines make me think of living my life in fear, thinking it will happen again, even though the death may have made me stronger.


Maybe I've just embarrassed myself and missed the point completely, I don't know. But you asked for our interpretation, not a crit, so that's what I've given. My interpretation.

Hope it's helped, or whatever you needed from it.

But, once again, it's great writing. Really deserve WoTM, wither this time or next time.
#4
Thanks.

You did exactly what I wanted to, and more.

Great interp, it has no "proper meaning", so that makes you spot on.

What's your name jammydude?
#6
Anything will do, but most call me Glenn or Conor.

I go by whatever's infront of me.

Names are for the labelled

#7
I'm really dissapointed that this didn't get many comments, seen as it was written for the reader.

Anymore at all?
#8
I'll get to this when I return home tonight, as I'm going to see the Omen right now (should prove to be a terrible movie).

I do like what your accomplishing with this piece though.

Also, nice to know your name Jamie, you seem like an awesome brotha.
#9
it was really pleasant to read, but i think the box is like a coffin and whats inside of it is a skeleton
#11
it was really pleasant to read, but i think the box is like a coffin and whats inside of it is a skeleton


wicked.

waiting for it synth
#14
This is a beautifully written song- even though at times I couldn't seem to figure out what was going on... something seemed to spark and help me understand... It was wonderful- I could find no fault and I'd definetly give it a 10/10
#15
the lyrics are really good a bit different to what you normally hear sounded abit like balad style lyrics were you planning on putting music to it? if you were what kinda music were you thinking? GOOD JOB !!!
#16
Someone stole my comp charger and I only have 10% battery left so I wont be able to do a really good quality crit but here are my basic two cents. Since i figured most people would try to imagine something sinister and wicked in the box I decided to do the opposite and make it a box full of inspiration manifest in a physical form. I interpreted it as the narrator being afraid of himself, afraid of the truth that he might encounter at the point of his truest feeling in the feeling of inspiration. I also used the same logic to conclude that this inspiration also showed his frustration for life, thereby him having so much to say but not the words to say it, something along those lines.

I hope you found my interpretation at least semi-interesting. Hope you are keeping yourself well Glenn-Conner-Bilbo, keep up the good, though very vague, work.
#17
hi ok ill give you my interpretation
to me it came across as a person maybe seeing them really plastic trees, built there lives as lies. Looked so out of place like the real them was different to what they were like on the outside. i dunno i dont wanna do it line by line so theres my shallow interpretation so how about telling us what was in mind when you wrote the song? im really curious
#18
the lyrics are really good a bit different to what you normally hear sounded abit like balad style lyrics were you planning on putting music to it? if you were what kinda music were you thinking? GOOD JOB !!!


Classical

thanks synth and chik
#19
If I may ask of you a question: did you have a designated idea that you wanted people to grasp? I know you wrote it for interpretation but how did you yourself interpret it? If you dont wanna disclose it to the forum shoot me a PM, I'm really rather interested.