#1
I just wrote this now, (except the first verse). If ya'll read my previous song "A Whisper in the Wind," this is similar to that (I kind of think of them as like, a pair). If you can think of a good title, then please let me know .

Crit for crit, and thanks in advance, guys.

(Untitled)

The stormy sky is black with grief
As she sorrowfully weeps upon the earth
And rages with all of her might
Since the land has long forsaken her love

The lonely lover moans and sighs
While bitter teardrops turn the fields to mire
She loves the earth, who loves another
So her melancholy anguish floods down

And down, and down, down, down, down, down
Oh, yeah

As the sad sky billows and weeps
And her tears are the only sound around
I remember a girl, so sad and sweet
With eyes like the a cold spring rain, yeah

But then the stormclouds drift away
And the sun shines through the bright blue sky
But the rain still falls in that sad girl's eyes
Yeah, and I don't know the reason why

Oh no, no
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#2
Slight overuse of adjectives (you don't need to describe how she does everything) and the subject matter makes it easy to predict more or less what the next line will be. Otherwise good, I like the continuing references to the storm and how that reflects the feelings of the girl and the overall tone of the song.

Good job mate.
Love is not a victory march.
#3
Yeah, thanks. I know what you mean with the adjective use. I just threw some in there for the sake of it, but I agree some lines sound a bit off because of them.
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#5
It lacks originality.

It needs some of you in it, or some of someone.

It's just like alot of songs written like that, and it's too easy to do.

Try and go a different direction than most people, you might be completely understood and underrated, but it's always better than being obvious and overrated.

You should write something that people can remember and not jsut another song that goes in and out of our ears,

Now, there is some good advice, don't take it the wrong way.

If you like writing, or need to, or want to, keep it up and you'll find something you like with it, becuase everyone can always learn.
#6
This just didn't seem to be going anywhere, for me.

It just seemed like a block of description, no real message or story, and without that you need to have exceptional writing talents, using every skill and trick in the book. And this just doesn't cut it, I don't think.

Take pickups advice. It's better than most.

If possible, could you crit back?Here is my newest piece. Much appreciated
#7
it was well written, there's no disputing that, but i can never really picture lyrics like this in a song. i like the theme and the way you've pulled it off but like i said, without being able to imagine it fitting to a song it's hard to say.

idea - 8/10
use of language - 10/10
imagery - 10/10
works as lyrics? - 2/10

it really is good though dude
#8
Yeah, i appreciate all of the crits (especially thepickups). After re-reading this, I think it's only really halfway done. I feel that I only said half of what I can, and should say in this. That is why it is so boring and shallow, I think.

Oh, and for PXi, I have a couple of songs that people dont see how they can work as lyrics, but I manage... I guess its just the way I sing it.

Well, anyway, thanks everyone for your comments and critiquing!
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)