#1
Yeah, there's a theme this month. My best friend is dying of ovarian cancer, enjoy.


The Dying Girl Said, "I Am Alone."

My fingers were plucked from the cold
Like cherries from the womb of a dying woman.
I saw her birth a tumor,
And from the cord to her eyes,
The electric pulses from the malign,
Vibrated liked a humming wave that
Echoed within her body and she burst
From joy, love, and sound.
The light broke as it caught her body,
And she capered to the ground as a seed.
As a seed,
As a leaf,
As a tree,
As a log,
As a saw,
As paper
And as a story.

Tonight I'll write her away.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jun 5, 2006,
#2
this reminds me of old ladys, snobishly drinking and tree and reading post modern poetry O.o

Edit: oh it was a thingy about cancer
You´re just outside
#3
the beggining was a little rough but by the end all I could think of to describe it was "Beautiful..." and theres not much to say after that. I find it uncanny that you write in such a way where lines in your pieces actually parrallel some of the thoughts that I've had throughout the day. The last line was brilliant. I'll leave a complete crit if you require, but I really have nothing to say...

You have to understand that I generally dont hand out so much praise all willy-nilly like this but like I said "beautiful..." and I think I will leave it at that.
#4
Sorry to hear about your friend. My aunt has just been diagnosed with cancer so I could really appreciate what you were trying to say.
I think you did a great job, especially towards the end.
The only part I didnt like was the "I saw her birth a tumor" line, other than that I loved it and i think it really captured what you wanted to say.
Like #1 synth said, "beautiful"
#5
Thanks you guys :] I really appreciate it.

I'll try to crit today, but I might be hanging out with Randy [Stellar_Legs] so later gator.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
I'll agree with all of the above. Beautiful. Not much else I can say.

Sorry to hear the news. Good luck to you in what is obviously a difficult time.
#7
It's been an age since I last checked out one o' yer pieces! Wish it was under better circumstances for you man.
Birth a tumour - very memorable phrase. The piece is good all round. I like.
Best o' luck!
ρ
#8
Not much here to say that hasnt been said already...
At the beginning of the poem, I wasn't really impressed, but as it progressed it was...Awesome...The "as a..." lines were a great touch, and the last line was perfect, absolutely perfect. Sorry for this crappy crit, but there wasn't much to say, i'll do a better one on your next one .

P.S.- I'm sorry for your friend, its very sad.


The links are in my sig if you have time. If you only do one, will you do the first one, as its my newest?

thx, and i offer my sympathy again.
#9
I know this sounds incredibly selfish, and I'm sorry, but you have some amazing inspiration here. You are writing possibly your best work ever, and I love it. Words can't express how sorry I am for you, but really this is great. Perhaps write more optimistic ones to let HER read? Just a thought...

The ending was amazing.
#11
im sry to hear about your friend... but you are able to channel your emotions about this situation into your work amazingly well. I'm impressed with your lyrical skills... could u check any of mine out? they are called something profound, and use the time. either one that catches your fancy feel free to leave me a comment or sumthin... thnx in advance

~Ellis
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#14
Sorry for delayed post but i feel this pieces deserves more attention then it got. Anddddd i like reading matts stuff and he cant post again until wednesday so i read this and felt a desire to post so be happy. Matt your easily my favorite writer. I honestly love the way you write and i love this whole piece. The way you put things put everything into a different proportion and you can relate and think, understand your view and you express that better than anyone else. I find it difficult to use typical language and make a piece insightful and make someone think. but matt your the master of metaphors... anyways yeah this is awesome <3
#15
i like it great emotion! 9/10
Quote by Metal-X
But last time I cranked my amp up. A small bird flew by at the same time I did a pinch harmonic.... and it exploded....



Too Late
#16
I saw your myspace in your profile, i see you're from kettering, ohio? Where is that near? I'm by Canton.... anyway
this is a great piece... i believe nothing could be changed to make it better.
crit mine if you have the heart. lol https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=375524
Peace.
(I'm Pattern Against User)
AIM - JanesAdd1cti0n

The Rain And Snow

We've been reduced to ruin in this noncalibrated earth that has stumbled upon us.
Last edited by Mapsand01 at Jun 13, 2006,