#1
Please any critism is welcome, my band and I already have this song and any other lyrics I put up on tape, so feedback is welcome. In person/ live is a hell of a lot better than this poem crap by the way so it might sound like ****. Lates!

You saw my suprise
I thought you'd cry
At the sight of the reaper over me
You told him life isn't fair
You told him to stay the hell away from me

And then you fought
I thought you would die
Until I saw the look in your eyes

You fought and you won
But you weren't done
You still had some unfinished things to see
(brief pause) You were still in love with me

(Then the solo)

I told you my life
It's all in a book
About the Valkary woman and me

And to finish my little story
Next to death lay Eve and me
Say goodbye to Adam and Eve
Last edited by MilichichiBass at Jun 10, 2006,
#2
Quote by MilichichiBass


You saw my suprise
I thought you'd cry
At the sight of the repper over meThat would be 'reaper' right?
You told him life isn't fair
You told him to stay the hell away from me I kinda liked this, and I don't know why.

And then you fought
I thought you would die
Until I saw the look in your eyesnot bad...don't know what to say

You fought and you won
But you weren't done You might try 'but you still weren't done'
You still had some unfinished things to see
(brief pause) You were still in love with me...I don't quite see where you're going with this...but it sounds good. You don't need to state that there is a pause in writing, no biggie though.

(Then the solo)

I told you my life
It's all in a book
About the Valkary woman and me I don't know how I know this, but I think it's Valkarie. I kinda like this, but whos this valkarie woman? You were talking about a woman fighting the reaper before...

And to finish my little story
Next to death lay Eve and me
Say goodbye to Adam and Eve Ok...I see...hmm...nice image...I don't know what to say...sorry


It's actually pretty good, I could see it being good in song...what kind of music? hard or soft? I think it would probably sound pretty good with a bunch of minor chords strung together. Good job bro.

Please comment on my newest, 'Reality'.https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=369729
or one of the ones in my sig.
Thanks, peace.
#3
It's kinda weird mix, but u were right, it does have a lot of minors strung together. Sounds like u can imagine pretty well. I'll check out your stuff soon.
#4
I didn't much like this one, to be honest. I thought the rhyming was pretty basic and lacked inspiration. It lacked a hook, which a song really needs.

And then you fought
I thought you would die


I thought the attempted wordplay with the similar sounding words just didn't fit in here.

I'm sorry, I just didn't think much of this. I didn't see where it was going, it seemed to go all over the place, it lacked in metephor and imagery and the rhyming was jst poorly done.

Just being honest.

I'd love a crit back on "Come Clean", which can be found here. Many thanks.