#1
Okay so i've already posted a song called Old Man at the Crossroad, but this carries on from that lyrical concept so why create a new title?

Old Man at the Crossroad part 2


Verse 1
This gave me something to cling to,
and i hold on for dear life,
this gave me something to do,
and i live on the edge of a knife,
when this balancing act called life,
just got a little out of hand,
i chose to distance myself from demand,
and try to hide from my own sin,
just to mock the sin you live in.

Chorus
Reflction,
the mirror doesn't hold them all,
rejection,
makes you stumble then fall,
reflection,
the mirror doesn't hold them all,
contreception,
will never stop them all.

Verse 2
Through the cracks in the wall,
i can see something, un-named,
perhaps i cant see it all,
but my sense of reality's been maimed,
and you gave me this one chance,
to return from a grave void of romance,
somewhere where love and hate are one,
and life is not about love or money but fun,
this war on happiness is just another vietnam.

Chorus

Bridge
From here i can see the light,
but have no energy left for the fight,
From here i can see the light,
but have no energy left for the fight,
From here i can see the light,
but have no energy left for the fight,
i can't make this right.

Verse 3
i've always tried to do right by you,
understood all your mistakes,
never questioned what you put me through,
looked into these black tinted lakes,
that stem from the rivers off your heart,
and you've always played your part,
and although the faces change,
the story's never gonna rearrange,
forever like this,
untold.

A bit shorter than it's predessessor, so please crit and compare to the orignal if you would, it's on here somewhere.

Please crit my other pieces: old man at the crossroad, welcome, Cassandra (Blackened Flames)
Last edited by future rock god at Jun 7, 2006,
#2
I don't think this was up to the standard of Pt. 1.

A few thing I thought could be improved on this-

This gave me something to cling to,
and i hold on for dear life,
this gave something to do,
and i live on the edge of a knife,
when this balancing act called life,


I didn't like the over use of "life" here, I just felt it was a bit weak to repeat it. Also in the first stanza I thought there were some issues with flow:-

this gave something to do,

Surely "this gave me something to do" would sound a bit better here?

and try to hide from my own sin,
just to mock the sin you live in.

Maybe "mock the sin that you live in" may flow better. There are a few others throughout, but I'm sure you could spot them yourself when read aloud.

One other thing I had a problem with was "stumble and fall"- this line is pretty cliche, and I thought something more original could have been put in here.

Overall though, I thought it was a decent effort, 7/10.

A crit here from you would be much appreciated.