#1
I'm crit 4 crit as always

There is a hidden message in this song, especially visible in the line ''I'm dying yet I'm alive and free''. Think about it

Mercury

Mercury...
Oh Mercury...
May so be...
But not for me.
You are brave...
It'll become your grave...
Since I cannot save...
The ones that pray...

For...

Mercury! Oh Mercury!
Why did you leave?
Mercury! Oh Mercury!
I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!

Pass it on...
She's long gone...
Move along...
Sad for some.
I hope to live again...
I wan't you to be my friend...
Yet now there's a message I need to send...
It has happened...

She's dead...

Mercury! Oh Mercury!
Why did you leave?
Mercury! Oh Mercury!
I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
Yes I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
Oh I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
Oh Mercury!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
Last edited by NineInchNails_0 at Jun 6, 2006,
#2
wow...lol, nicely done, man, nicely done. The rhyme scheme gets a little old sometimes, but its otherwise very good. I dont really know what to feel about this pice, the emotion is great and the imagery is good as well. " im dying yet i'm alive and free" is an awesome line. The only thing i can really say is, good job.

The link for my new one is in the sig, as you've already posted in my other one, so you can crit Stars of Hope.

thx
#3
That was pretty cool. I didn't get the message though lol. I agree with AAA though, somewhat repetative in the rhyme scheme. But hey, it was cool, and probably could be turned into one of those "poetic, philosophical" songs haha. 8/10.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=372082

^^link for most recent piece
#4
I like the rhyme scheme. Nicely done and i love the feeling in it. I give it a 9/10.
©Ibanez4
#5
Thanks a lot! I got a lot better crits than expected. I'll have a look at all of yours now.

After some more crits I'll tell you about the well hidden message.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#6
Crits done
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#7
I liked the whole using the name "Mercury" as if it belongs to a girl. Which it probably is, but in a way it's very ethereal. Of course, as everyone has said, my first thoughts were "The rhyming is too cliched and forced", but asides from that it's one of the better pieces I've read. The only gripe I've other than that is that the song does seem to have a message but the words don't seem complex enough to convey the message enough. Still, a good song, just work on it more.

Would you mind critiquing my song? It's in my post.
#8
Thanks! I've critted yours aswell. Anyways, the secret message was... Mercury... is Mother Earth. Therefore, as the above user said, I used the name Mercury as if it was a girl. But Mercury is also a material that destroys Earths nature real quickly. Here's a small walkthrough:

Mercury...
Oh Mercury...
May so be...
But not for me.


Well, this means that she doesn't really care about what's happening. Therefore the ''May so be'' line. ''But not for me.'' means that someone does care, and wants her to be whole again.

You are brave...
It'll become your grave...
Since I cannot save...
The ones that pray...


''You are brave'' is about that Mother Earth takes risks. Making such big rainforests and all of that; somethings bound to happen about it. ''It'll become your grave'' is well... that's just what it is. That is indeed what's slowly killing ''her''. ''Since I cannot save...'' is about that one man is nothing against all of this worlds greedy people. ''The ones that pray'' are those who want to save earth. ''I cannot save the ones who pray for Mercury''.

For...

It's explained already.

Mercury! Oh Mercury!
Why did you leave?
Mercury! Oh Mercury!
I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!


''Mercury! Oh Mercury! Why did you leave?'' is about all of the destroying of nature that happens today. It's like she's not there. She has left. ''I'm dying yet I'm alive and free'' means; and here's the clever part; that, we are all slowly dying from all of the things in this world. Global warming being one of them. But slowly, so now, we're alive and we don't worry about it, since it's not gonna happen in at least 200 years or so, so no one worries. But, we are all dying inside, leaving this mess for our great grandchildren to clean up.

Pass it on...
She's long gone...
Move along...
Sad for some.


''Pass it on'' means spread the word. Make sure people know that shit they've put themselves in. ''She's long gone'' means that she's already dead. There's no hope. ''Move along'' means like; get back to your lifes, because it's hopeless. ''Sad for some'' is about that only a few people really worries about, so for them it's sad.

I hope to live again...
I wan't you to be my friend...
Yet now there's a message I need to send...
It has happened...


''I hope to live again'' is like the same thing from the chorus. I wan't her to live again, and not slowly die inside. ''I wan't you to be my friend'' is that I wan't to be one with nature itself. ''Yet now there's a message I need to send'' means just what it is; I have to spread the word. ''It has happened... She's dead'' is sad, but oh so true.

She's dead...

Explained.

Mercury! Oh Mercury!
Why did you leave?
Mercury! Oh Mercury!
I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
Yes I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
Oh I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
I'm dying yet I'm alive and free!
Oh Mercury!


Repeating it again. Kind of gets repetitive to read, but when you hear it you get an emotion. Especially when playing it. Thanks for reading this long explanation of the song
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
Last edited by NineInchNails_0 at Jun 9, 2006,
#9
Nice job. I love songs with hidden messages in it. If you have any more like that do let me know.
©Ibanez4
#10
Well, The Masterpiece of A Guilty Driver is about an alcoholic that has killed two children (true story). Just click the link in my sig (WARNING! VERY LONG SONG!). And thanks a lot!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#11
hey, i like it, although the hidden meaning is probably a bit too deep for me. I can see someone singing it with a dodgy art-metal band, but that is no bad thing. I dont quite understand the rhythm, but i dont know how your singing it.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#12
Allright. LOL, it's meant to be a progressive rock song but you know, yeah, maybe some metal wouldn't hurt it.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#13
Thanks for the crit on my song dude!!
Wow, i liiiike this. Its very clever how youve used that hidden meaning. i doubt im smart enough to come up with something as awesome as this!
Well done mate. 9/10 [just coz no song is perfect]

franZ xxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#14
Whoah... Well... Thank you very much. I'm currently writing something in the same way like this one, however, it's a pretty big deal and it's pretty serious. I'll probably release it in a month or two.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.