#1
Here is a weird song, with a weird title. It is not finished yet. And it may not appear to flow on paper, but it does in the song. And if you can figure out what the song means, the I will put you in my sig next to words "Smartest Person on UG". Oh I am looking more for opinions then actual crits. Comment 4 Comment if you leave a link.

We're lost, without a route
Here he was, now she?s gone
I am so tired I can not talk
The truest form of committing fraud
And now its lost, In the world
Where were you, when I had a want


And it was not
Where I am from
But what I had
Is all gone
Oh my spirit
It has to ache?
My everything
A big mistake

I am I, And I do what I want
In the end, It was the front
And I die, It's what I won
Where were you, when I had a want


And it was not
Where I am from
But what I had
Is all gone
Oh my spirit
It has to ache?
My everything
A big mistake

EDIT NEW VERSION:
Last edited by guitar? at Jun 8, 2006,
#2
i think that you should go over it again and fix your spelling and grammar errors. i don't want to spend most of my time trying to figure out what your typing and saying, maybe you did that on purpose. but overall, i thought it wasn't good. i just didn't like it.
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#3
I did spell a word wrong. But the grammar is what I wanted it to be. Thanks for the opnion.
#4
It wasn't the greatest thing ever, but, not the worst either. I don't like that "when I had a want." The line it isn't worded correctly, my english teacher would hate you.
#5
well i really like it despite the others above me... i have no idea what its about, though i did think it over... your spelling & grammah is fine, at least easy to read.... yeah about 8/10
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#6
Well seeing as you're after opinions- I wasn't much a fan of this.

I thought the "I want" "It's what I" etc. were repetietive, and it soon became tedious, aswell as being difficult to understand. I didn't really get any point or message from it, perhaps you could explain the subject?

I'm sorry, I just wasn't too enthralled by this.

I'd love a crit from you on my newest piece, "Come Clean". Hopefully it'll still be on the first page by the time you read this
#8
Quote by Green_Fox
i think that you should go over it again and fix your spelling and grammar errors. i don't want to spend most of my time trying to figure out what your typing and saying, maybe you did that on purpose. but overall, i thought it wasn't good. i just didn't like it.


Agreed...

Plus, if you're taking PRIDE in not knowing the meaning, and we can't get ANY meaning from it... it's not good writing. Sorry.

I'll take another look at this tomorrow.
#9
Quote by Retribution
Agreed...

Plus, if you're taking PRIDE in not knowing the meaning, and we can't get ANY meaning from it... it's not good writing. Sorry.

I'll take another look at this tomorrow.



I never said I did not know the meaning. I was wondering if anyone else could get it, or should I stay away from this style of writing. This is just a test for myself. And the grammar is the way I wanted to be. And I am looking forward for your insight tomorrow.
#10
Quote by guitar?
I never said I did not know the meaning. I was wondering if anyone else could get it, or should I stay away from this style of writing. This is just a test for myself. And the grammar is the way I wanted to be. And I am looking forward for your insight tomorrow.


I meant that you're taking pride in the meaning being illusive, and I hate writers like that. Give us something to understand.
#11
Quote by Retribution
I meant that you're taking pride in the meaning being illusive, and I hate writers like that. Give us something to understand.


Well it is a test to see if people like it.