#1
This is my first time posting anything here and im relatively new to song writing so any honest criticism would be appreciated.


4am and I can't sleep
Thinking back to yesterday
Been such a long day now
Wish there was another way

When we we're kids we'd always play
Now we're older you don't know my name
I always thought there would be a way
Going back the way we came

Took my fame and went away
Took my heart that sunday
You're forever gone, forever gone

Now you're forever gone
The memories of another day
Slowly fading away
I only found one way out

Took my fame and went away
Took my heart that sunday
You're forever gone, forever gone
#2
Quote by Bullet69
This is my first time posting anything here and im relatively new to song writing so any honest criticism would be appreciated.


4am and I can't sleep
Thinking back to yesterday
Been such a long day now
Wish there was another way

This line has a pretty nice flow, except for the part "been such a long day," since you used the word "yesterday" in the previous line, to me it seems like it doesn't fit, so instead of "day" you could use "time" or something like that.

When we we're kids we'd always play
Now we're older you don't know my name
I always thought there would be a way
Going back the way we came

The only "bad" part is this, it seems like the second line is too long, or has too many syllables, or it just doesn't flow right, either way, not a bad line.

Took my fame and went away
Took my heart that sunday
You're forever gone, forever gone

Nice and short exactly how a chorus should be, imo. The only problem is that it seems like you put in "sunday" just to make it rhyme, but thats just me.

Now you're forever gone
The memories of another day
Slowly fading away
I only found one way out

Nice line, nothing spectacular, but nothing bad either.

Took my fame and went away
Took my heart that sunday
You're forever gone, forever gone


Overall, for a new writer, this isn't half-bad, a few minor problems, but good in general.

8/10

Could you check out my two pieces as well? The links are in my sig if you have time .
#3
I like bits and pieces of it. I like the chorus. When I was reading it, I just put it to the music of "Im Lonely But I Aint That Lonely Yet" by the White Stripes.
#4
i am impressed that this is your first piece. i liked the flow and words of the verses but the chorus seems like it could use another line... could u take a look at mine? its called something profound. thnx in advance

~Ellis
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#5
It was pretty good. Some of the rhyming seemed a little forced.
©Ibanez4
#6
Thanks for the crit´s, I will get around to critin your´s asap, and look into changing some of my lines.