#1
Hey Everyone, this is my next piece after "Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright", and i think that it is fairly more lighthearted than its predecessor.
Now, a few notes: I don't really know what I think about the 2nd stanza and the last one, as i added those last, also, i am concerned about the flow of the song. So if you could focus your crits on those things, it would be appreciated.
thx, and here it is.Oh yeah and its CRIT FOR CRIT, like always.


When I look up to the sky
I finally come to see
That I'm gazing through Earth's eye
Into our shining galaxy

The eternal lights glitter gold
Shimmering high up away from me
Winking promises of care and love
And stories from the angels above

Each bright star is holding safe
A forgotten memory
And gives me hypnotic hopes
In times of uncertainty

Their dazzling light unfolds
As I stare into the heavens
And know just what it means
To breathe life into my dreams

I know that I can live my life
Without the agony
Of hearing desperate screams
From any pain inside of me

Now I look up to the sky
And wonder if somebody
Is watching through a sad eye
Straight into the heart of me...
#2
i like what you have done with the piece... my only criticism is that you might wanna change up some of the ryhming patterns to make it sound more interesting... remember songs don't always have to rhyme. I think you can make this song very good with a lil tweaking... could u check out one of my songs i have on the forum? they are something profound, and use the time... if you could get to either one i would be happy... thnx in advance man

~Ellis
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#3
this is a nice piece, it would be better if it had a chorus. i like how the rhyme scheme changes throughout the song also. it had a steady flow, but i think it could be better with work.
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[STAY THIRSTY, MY FRIENDS]


When Autumn comes, it doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart
#4
Very nice. But I think stanzas 2 and 4 didn't flow properly. They just seemed forced in a way. But if you tweak that and as ellis said change some rhyme patterns it would be very nice.7/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=372082

^^link to most recent piece
#5
Overall nice work. Needs a bit of tweaking here and there. Like you and everyone else said, the flow of stanzas 2 and 4 needs to be revised. Also some of the rhyme schemes should be changed up. Loved the imagery!
#6
Like mentioned above i think you should just tweak it up. Like the rhyme schemes and yea it would sound a little better with a chorus. But you don't have to worry too much about that. I usually write songs without a chorus and then something will come to me later. Just concentrate on the rhyme schemes for now fix it up a little bit. Other than that it was pretty good.
©Ibanez4
#7
I think it's overall pretty good, maybe add a chorus, just little peices I'd change, otherwise good. 8/10
#8
well i'm just gonna do the whole thing here....

When I look up to the sky
I finally come to see
That I'm gazing through Earth's eye
Into our shining galaxy
no comment, i like it.

The eternal lights glitter gold
Shimmering high up away from me
Winking promises of care and love
And stories from the angels above
- i first read it as "glitter cold" - i like that better than gold. but this is your thing, that's just my preference.

Each bright star is holding safe
A forgotten memory
And gives me hypnotic hopes
In times of uncertainty
- hypnotic hopes - i like that wording. cool.

Their dazzling light unfolds
As I stare into the heavens
And know just what it means
To breathe life into my dreams
- very, very nice... i have nothing to add...

I know that I can live my life
Without the agony
Of hearing desperate screams
From any pain inside of me
- wow, good. i should learn that. wow. wow. wow.

Now I look up to the sky
And wonder if somebody
Is watching through a sad eye
Straight into the heart of me...


wow, wow, wow. i almost just copy-pasted one part, then thought i may as well do the whole thing because i love it all. nicely done.

(mine are Graeme's Song, The Domino Effect, and something else... How Could We - pick one and crit if you have the time thanks!)
#9
Awesome! I love everything about it. It would make a kickass progressive rock song lol. 9,5/10. The rhyming is some of the best I've seen on here!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#11
No complaints really, except that the rhyme scheme was just all over the shop.

ABAB/ABCC/ABCB/ABCC/ABCB/ABAB

If there were any issues with flow, a better rhyme scheme would benefit it.

And I think you rhymed "me" too much, which makes it seem worse than it is.

Overall, an alright piece. The advice of everyone before me should be sufficient to help you revise this.
#12
It reminds me of looking at stars at night. But it REALLY reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes, when Calvin and Hobbes would stare at the stars at night, discuss philosophy, and then get scared.
#13
lol...hey i do remember those comics...just been forever since i've read them, anyway, thx for all the crits everyone.
#15
Quote by AAA_the_band
Hey Everyone, this is my next piece after "Keeper of Blood, Angel of Fright", and i think that it is fairly more lighthearted than its predecessor.
Now, a few notes: I don't really know what I think about the 2nd stanza and the last one, as i added those last, also, i am concerned about the flow of the song. So if you could focus your crits on those things, it would be appreciated.
thx, and here it is.Oh yeah and its CRIT FOR CRIT, like always.


When I look up to the sky
I finally come to see
That I'm gazing through Earth's eye
Into our shining galaxy


ok, its quite a nice start, but the way that the rhyme and metre works on the last line sounds a bit naff to my ear. also, sky/eye is one of the forbidden rhymes .

The eternal lights glitter gold
Shimmering high up away from me
Winking promises of care and love
And stories from the angels above


well, its quite nice, but ive seen this done a lot before; its not all that original.

Each bright star is holding safe
A forgotten memory
And gives me hypnotic hopes
In times of uncertainty


again, its not a particularly original idea, and i think it flows a little awkwardly

Their dazzling light unfolds
As I stare into the heavens
And know just what it means
To breathe life into my dreams

I know that I can live my life
Without the agony
Of hearing desperate screams
From any pain inside of me

Now I look up to the sky
And wonder if somebody
Is watching through a sad eye
Straight into the heart of me...


i'd sum these three up in a similar way to what ive said before, its quite nice writing but at points it feels a little forced, and some of your ideas have already been used by lots of other people lots of times.


i dont think this is bad by any means, theres potential there, but its just a little unoriginal and the way you use metre and rhyme doesnt always feel all that natural.

sorry for taking so long to return the crit by the way...
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Jun 16, 2006,