#1
The most stylistic piece I have ever written, ever. Do you like it or is it just stupid and gay?

WILL YOU HELP ME STAY ALIVE?


I can Fly! I can Fly!
O happy day! I?ll never die!
For I will Fly into forever?
Into the tubing making love to my arm. And
I will cry into the heavens! Scream into existence!
Persistence scribed to mirror needles:


??
FREEDOM!
I shall churn the metallic taste of?
And I shall Die?
FREEDOM!
I shall turn my head and I will?
I shall Die?
FREEDOM!
So Why Wont You Come down to play and save me
From aphrodisiatic extinction?

??

...


I can Fly! I can Fly!
O happy day, I?ll never Die!
For I will Fly forever down,
Closer to the tubing making love in my arm?

And I shall cry to the earth! Sigh to existence!
I shall Sprout little wings! Sway in willow?s limbs!
As the imps play around in the singing
Blue blood on my sleeve!
Maybe I do believe?
But maybe its best not to think so vague?

...
??
Please? o please just release me?
I?m crying now? just please hear my words;
Not as author, nor man, nor dead, nor orator,
Nor any form of phantasma,
Just listen and heed my call? that
I?m dead! She?s dead! But
It all means nothing while your
Politics and literature are blending
To metallic?
I will die. Bliss undefined, but first
I must make my death mine!
??


I can Fly! I can Fly!
O happy day, its time to die!
For I will crash into my tubing
Metallic wires protruding, through cartilage
Drowned in my own metallic oil:


! LOVE ME FLIGHT, AS I LOVE YOU !
! LOVE ME DEATH AS I LOVE YOU !
! ACCEPT ME ! REGRET ME !
! I CAN FLY ! I CAN FLY !
¿Please? please?
!FREEDOM!
.Why Wont You Listen To Me.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 7, 2006,
#2
I actually (much to my surprise) enjoyed reading that. Its flow and rhymes are nice. But I must say, it is a little abstract at points. But I think you did a great job. Would you please check mine out here?
#5
Yeah, I realize the abstraction was the point, but at some parts it was just a bit to far out for my liking. Otherwise, I loved it!
#6
I really like your writing style, mate. It's intesnse, abstract, stylistic and vivid. I can almost hear someone dramatically reading these words. It's very Faustesque, if you know what I mean. Very good job, well done mate!
Fears a powerful thing
#7
You know synth, you are by far one of the best writers on here. The way you word everything is just fantastic. But, as I am not a huge fan of pieces like this, I won't pass on much crit.

I didn't get it, really. but that's just an amateur mind. But the fact your full of surprises in style, and bothered to try someting new, is refreshing to see.

I'm sorry this isn't a great crit. I'm sure you can't wait for the other writers of such pieces to get their teeth stuck into this, as I'm sure they can offer much more.

Good luck though. You deserve to be recognised as one of the top writers here
#8
much love to all four of you for taking a gander! It means alot. Yes, this is a new style but i really wanna have the ability to minipulate emotion (quite a task I know) and I believe vagueness and symbolism are the ways to practice this. Thanks again!

EDIT: Sorry Alice about the name but i felt it was relevant to the piece, but w/e you think is for the best.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 7, 2006,
#10
Ok you said you were trying to display emotion which usually comes out emo. this didnt. I believe anyhting someone can put out thats even mildly good and displays love, hardship, and pain is always worth a second glance because its rather hard to go against the norm and make the piece worth while without being overrun by cliches. the piece rather nice and abstract (which was a good way to go about it) anyways nice

-Mike
#13
That was possibly the most emotional thing I have ever read....especially on here...wow....it bled emotion to be quite honest....you need to understand how magnificent that was...

I just....I can't even say anything about it.


Good job...?
#14
Quote by #1 synth

EDIT: Sorry Alice about the name but i felt it was relevant to the piece, but w/e you think is for the best.

then, um, title the whole piece that?

i'll get to this later.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#15
LOVE IT.
i dont have much in the way of constructive crit.
just wanna say that i LOVE it and i WISH I COULD WRITE SONGS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10/10

Please crit mine and tell me what you think, its in my sig
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#16
It shifts rapidly, but I guess the interplay of the bold and italic stanzas were nicely done. Unorthodox, to say the least, but effective. I liked the recurring life and death themes. The last part really overused the punctuation stuff though.

Are the """ and ....... supposed to mean something?
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#17
Quote by jallas
then, um, title the whole piece that?

i'll get to this later.


Didnt I?... Ooooo, I must of done the thing where as I'm revising at the last split second while posting I thought of a great new title and put it on the main heading but not the one in the piece. I'm really pissing you off today arnt i?

I Jamminbass; that was the point of this piece

Franz. D: Thats always a great compliment to you too

Sonofa:
Both of those are a shift in characters, however, I'm not going to say what those two characters are as they are purely open to interpretation.
#18
Hm, I actually though it was going to be gay when I read the "Fly! Fly!" parts, but after I read the whole thing I think it's pretty ok. I like how the whole thing is written (ie, bold parts, underlined parts, and the last part with all the little exclimation mark thingys).
I didn't like the "tubing making love to my arm" part. But other than that, pretty ok, man. 7/10.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=373261
#20
I'm sorry your banned Oligarchy, I was going to ask you a question

manthtscrazy: I'm sorry, i dont crit on the first date (I'm saying that you really need to leave longer crits in order to get crits back, I mean its awesome you either liked it or hated it but thats really not constructive, its really just filler.)
#21
haha no you're not <3
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#22
I can Fly! I can Fly!
O happy day! I?ll never die!
For I will Fly into forever?
Into the tubing making love to my arm. And
I will cry into the heavens! Scream into existence!
Persistence scribed to mirror needles:

one tiny thing here, perosnally i don't likje the exclamation mark in the middle of the 2nd line after "o happy day" just kinda takes away the emphasis of the other exclamation marks y'know? this is really cool lyrics though, very stylised and i dunno what the word is... kinda quirky and indie-esque.


??
FREEDOM!
I shall churn the metallic taste of?
And I shall Die?
FREEDOM!
I shall turn my head and I will?
I shall Die?
FREEDOM!
So Why Wont You Come down to play and save me
From aphrodisiatic extinction?
??
...

i'm not a huge fan of all these symbols, the speech marks, the elipses. i guess it's kinda cool modernised shizz, but as i said, just doesn't appeal to me. makes it look kinda myspacey
i'm not keen on the shouts of "freedom" either. i think the effct you are going for can be better achieved by simply not shouting it. jsut stating it quiet as, this way you'll put so much more emphasis on it. also i hate using capital letters for every word in a sentence so, um, i hate that 2nd to last line it jsut seems that your layout is completely random and i hate that haha, but that's just cos offffffff some stuff i won't go into, but basically i hate stuff that isn't all neat and tidy

i lvoe the "From aphrodisiatic extinction" that is really cool.


I can Fly! I can Fly!
O happy day, I?ll never Die!
For I will Fly forever down,
Closer to the tubing making love in my arm?

good use of repitition here

And I shall cry to the earth! Sigh to existence!
I shall Sprout little wings! Sway in willow?s limbs!
As the imps play around in the singing
Blue blood on my sleeve!
Maybe I do believe?
But maybe its best not to think so vague?
...
??

the exclamation marks are getting a little passe IMO, the effect they once had at the start is just kinda wearing off me thinks
love the "blue blood" though, kinda suggests that the blues come straihgt out yknow, cos like, blood is blue inside of you. good stanza

Please? o please just release me?
I?m crying now? just please hear my words;
Not as author, nor man, nor dead, nor orator,
Nor any form of phantasma,
Just listen and heed my call? that
I?m dead! She?s dead! But
It all means nothing while your
Politics and literature are blending
To metallic?
I will die. Bliss undefined, but first
I must make my death mine!
??

again lol, what's with the random "" at the end? lol
this is a good stanza, nothing to crit.


I can Fly! I can Fly!
O happy day, its time to die!
For I will crash into my tubing
Metallic wires protruding, through cartilage
Drowned in my own metallic oil:

i don't like the repitition of "metallica" but that's all, good linking referneces to earlier. very stylish writing.


! LOVE ME FLIGHT, AS I LOVE YOU !
! LOVE ME DEATH AS I LOVE YOU !
! ACCEPT ME ! REGRET ME !
! I CAN FLY ! I CAN FLY !
¿Please? please?
!FREEDOM!
.Why Wont You Listen To Me.

again i'm not so keen on the shouting. well i presume it's shouting lol, capitals always suggest that to me heh i jstu think that the effect can be better achieved by stoicly saying it quietly and bitterly. jsut IMO, you're the author, you decide.

good job synthy, you have a really great style, if at times a little random
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#23
I know I went a little overboard on the punctuation by I have my reasons (besides symmetry :p

I've never recieved a crit from you before alice and i believe it was worth the wait, much love