#1
dear mods,

the title is .

Yeah, life is kinda like that. freewrite short story.



A train crashed into a busy street.
A nine year old boy gets called a pussy because he bagan to weep.
Sorrow hit an entire town, less than fourty minutes time for the word to get around.
Four people dead, yet fifty others sob.
He can't face his third grade class again.
because when they all heard the news, it was over their heads to comprehend.
"Whats more important," his own mother had to ask, four weeks later, of her son who wouldn't attend school- "your dignity or the life your father led?"

Why not have both?
She didn't get it.
This is elementary school.
He would be the crying boy for years to come.

There was something missing in the equation of hope.
Like the fact that nine year old boys eventually grow, but none of them knew why he never showed.
With his home school books and his aching heart, the boy now 15, walks into the school, where other boys barely remember the name matched to his face- until "Cody Smith," a former classmate called, " I remember you, from elementary school, your dad died and that was the last we ever saw of you."
The 'how ya been's had soon followed, but not a single one mentioned then of how he bawled.



crit for crit, leave links.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#2
It's pretty. I'm not too sure what I mean by that, but It's pretty.

I do get the whole freewrite feel to it. I liked the dialogue, it seemed quite lifelike.

You spelt it "Bagan". It's "Began".

Overall, a nice little piece. Touching subject, and you worked around it tenderly. Nice job.

I'd appreciate a short comment on "Come Clean". It'll be on the first page, with any luck.
#3
gracias.

I got to your piece, just a little later than I had planned, sorry about that.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#6
thanks. I wish I knew what you were trying to say though.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#7
not a real strong ending in my opinion. more of a "I guess I'll be done now" instead of a "THERE I"M DONE" Bawled is a terrible word, surely it's not the last thing you want the reader to remember ... otherwise it was fairly so - so. Some clever rhymes really made this one just a nudge past boring. Sorry bud, just not really interested in this one.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#8
I'm bored, any one want me to read thier piece and comment on it?


All you have to do is read mine and do the same.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.