#1
Okay, I just seem to be writing a load of nothing at the moment, but I'd still like to see what you think. This wasn't really inspired by anything.

The single word line's are the chorus are held for the same length of time the other lines are.

ETA: If the syllable count seems to go awry as the song progresses, imagine the singer getting more animated and singing it faster. That was the point of the song

Once more, I'm crit for crit. I still believe I'm 100% on that.

Enjoy


Woah
A virgin side to you
Another different side to you
I feel you're slightly more complex than
An exaggerated chain of command

And Woah
A virgin side to you
A completely crazy manic side to you
I feel you've got plenty more faces than
A mathmatically correct dodecahedron

You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do
Take my hand
And hold on
Just hold on to my hand

Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

Christ
An excited side of you
More or less I'm now addicted to you
I'm seeing you so much, much more often than
An everyday regular face to the barman

Woah
A virgin side to you
An atomic explosion from my point of view
It's harder to find a free hospital bed than
Holding eye contact as is your attention span

You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do
Take my hand
And hold on
Just hold on to my hand

Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

Go go go
Well it's all systems go
Don't mention the tension
Think of the girl

(It's all) Go go go
Well It's all systems go yeh
Released apprehension
A lifetime extension

Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

You've come clean; It's a dream
You've come clean; It's my dream
You've come clean; It's a dream
You've come clean; It's my dream

(Repeat till fade)
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 7, 2006,
#2
get this in an hour...I promise.

If not, I live in New Castle, IN on 400 south, come and get me.
BUY SOME PHOTOS..Click here, and then click 'store'

Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#4
Very interesting, the virgin side of you is that talking about an unexplored frame of mind or what. I liked the song 7/10
#5
Yeah it's like the other side to someones personality that I, and they, have just discovered after some sort of event or another.

Thankyou kindly for the crit.
#7
Thanks alot.

Anything I can improve upon, people?

Ahem, 8:26 and still no Mr. Dashboard The tension builds....
#8
well...sorry i can't really say any improcewments here, its just overall a good piece, nice lyrics. the " Woah" parts didn't do it for me, but its your preference.

9/10


Could you check out my latest one? The links in the sig if you have, it Stars of Hope.

thx
#9
Ms. dashboard thank you very much.


I'm not feeling all the repition in this.

This stricks me as something rhcp-ish, don't ask me why, because I really don't know. It just does.

This will probably serve best as a song, or so I would imagine. If you record it, post it in R+R, I'm quite a frequent visitor over there.
BUY SOME PHOTOS..Click here, and then click 'store'

Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#10
Thanks AAA, the whoas are just part of my parcel nowadays hehe.

Be right there to crit you back.

ETA:
*turns on chair stroking cat*

"Well Mr. Dashboard, how pleasant it is too see you"

Thanks for the crit. Definitely is a song, can't/don't write anything else. RHCP are a band I love, I didn't think I was going in that direction with this though but, hey, whatever.

Thanks once more.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 7, 2006,
#11
sometimes your influences show through in places you don't want them or expect them too.

ooh yeah, it's Ms. Dashboard to you, or Ally.
BUY SOME PHOTOS..Click here, and then click 'store'

Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#13
I thought it was greatly written, but I really wasn't following it. It might be because i've been sick all week, but i got really bored of it. it's consistent(sp) (you should be UG's spell checker)
and it actually is a good sounding song, but not my style. still it's around 8/10

see you in mine? (please click the FIRST link)
#14
Thanks skate guitar. I think you got bored as the chorus in it lacks a hook when read.

I'm sorry to hear about your illness. And I believe I have already helped you on your piece Maybe I'll come along and crit it aswell.
#15
I really think the pre-chorus needs work. And maybe making the chorus a bit catchier would help a lot too. As for the last stanza, it's a little bland, if you spice that up you could have a near perfect song.

Thx for critting me too.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#16
Thanks GuitarSymphony.

I'm planning on a rewrite on the chorus when I go back to it in some time.

Thanks again.
#17
yeah, really creative, some real good formulations.
you should get a impressive hookline for it, most likely for the pre-chorus.
oh and one more thing. the song seems quickly and probably aggressive, so you should modify the outro. don't fade out, shout the last few lines, then play it once more and finish it with one hard, loud beat.

just my 2 cents
Fear the angels holocaust, they're screaming
Dreams of pain forever entering your head
Death and hatred loathing, on mankind it feeds
Earth is dead and gone now, we've brought it to an end
#20
overall good song... the woahs always look horrible on paper, but they probably fit into the song.

I loved how You used the "virgin side to you" to describe the hidden side of people that you don't really see at first glance.

Not to get back at you or anything, but the repetition just doesnt work for me...
again, it is hard to convey how the song sounds in words, so it might fit with what you had in mind
i agree with MundL... dont fade that out... it would be an unsatsifying ending


over all.... 7/10

thanks for the crit btw

good work jammydude
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#21
Alright, I'll take this apart piece by piece as is my habit.

Woah
A virgin side to you
Another different side to you
I feel you're slightly more complex than
An exaggerated chain of command

I didn't like the Woah. Got a bit of a Keanu-Reeves-Syndrome bit there. But followed up with "virgin side to you" with a repetition using only different words, and the last two lines solidified what you were trying to say. Maybe a bit overstressing but well done nonetheless.

And Woah
A virgin side to you
A completely crazy manic side to you
I feel you've got plenty more faces than
A mathmatically correct dodecahedron

Once again with the woah! I must admit the only line I liked here was the third, "completely crazy manic side" bit. What I didn't like was further overstressing of the theme, which creates a very narrowminded perspective. Still, your wording is incredibly intriguing in its intensity.

You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do
Take my hand
And hold on
Just hold on to my hand

I liked it. It was a refreshing change for the song to revert to simplicity.

Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

The erratic change in syllable count kind of makes it awkward, but the way you worded it all and stressed things was, as usual, quite stellar. Well done.

Christ
An excited side of you
More or less I'm now addicted to you
I'm seeing you so much, much more often than
An everyday regular face to the barman

The wording "Christ" seems very out of place here, almost frustrated, but this song seems very lighthearted and excited. Other than that, I loved the third lines onward.

Woah
A virgin side to you
An atomic explosion from my point of view
It's harder to find a free hospital bed than
Holding eye contact as is your attention span

You can't cope and
They can't cope but
I know just what to do
Take my hand
And hold on
Just hold on to my hand

Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

Already studied these lines, but I suppose they are the chorus bits.

Go go go
Well it's all systems go
Don't mention the tension
Think of the girl

Internal rhyming! YES! Well done! The very last line seems like some sort of mantra, I identify with it.

(It's all) Go go go
Well It's all systems go yeah
Released apprehension
A lifetime extension

Not bad, not bad, good rhyming.

Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah

You've come clean; It's a dream
You've come clean; It's my dream
You've come clean; It's a dream
You've come clean; It's my dream

Not a BAD way to end a song but could be done better. Overall, a very well written song, great wording, great rhyming. Spot on, just work on that Keanu Reeves Syndrome.
#22
Keanu Reeves Syndrome, eh?

The whoas just seem part of my songwriting now, I love adding them in. Maybe I overuse them a bit, something I could work on.

Thankyou very much for the time you've given me.
#25
jammy im a fan of your stuff... theirs few newer people i even read, but i like em its why i suggested you in the vet vs newb. comp anyways nice piece it had a good flow to it and i liked all the verses are very interesting actually i didnt like the "yeah i feel so much better" choruses or whatever but the rest is real good

-Mike

Link in my sig

EDIT its really unneeded to post everytime someone else does to thank them. i figured id tell you kindly just because eventually someone will yell at you for bumping even if yours is at the top when you do it its alright to post every 4-5 comments you get but not right after everyone
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jun 8, 2006,
#26
Thankyou kindly Trig.

I will get back to you. I'm pretty sure I've been meaning to crit yours anyway
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 8, 2006,
#27
I liked it ALOT. The only thing that i disliked was the repetition. Like Ms. Dashboard said it does sound a little like RHCP but nothing wrong with that.
©Ibanez4
#29
^^Haven't wrote anything yet. Nothing i have i feel is worth putting up. But i will leave a link when i do. Thanx JammyDude. O and i must say that i love reading your work. I wish i could write half as good as you. I fully respect you man.
©Ibanez4
#32
very very nice, very little flaws and very nice rhythem and rhyme. I had a convosation with Trig about you and we agreed (though he was a tid bit more gung-ho) that you rule. I see no problems with the 'whoas', they are just part of the piece and serve as an excellent transition, however, if you dont need a transition maybe just get rid of a couple as its mostly filler... um ya, excellent word usage as well bro though your right, the chorus seems a tidbit plain...

This may seem weird but you know how I differentiate good lyrics? I base it off of the flow and if I can actually hear the tune, any random tune, playing out in my head. You know what? this is a good piece

You dont have to but if you really wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=372154
#33
I was not really digging it. It had some good parts. But all the woahs and yeahs ruined it for me. I really did not like the metaphors either. Good luck next time.
#34
Thankyou manthtscrazy and guitar?.

Synth, thanks so much, that gives me alot of encouragement to keep writing

I understand how you critique your pieces. For me, If It doesn't flow, no care has been taken with the lyrics, rhymes become forced, and it gets boring or more difficult to read.

Once more, I thankyou all.

ETA: Synth, I belive I have already got to yours

And Trig For Mod Thanks, will take note.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 9, 2006,
#35
Right. Im confused. Im on here alot.
AND I MISSED THIS!!!!!!???????

So. Il crit now.
I LOVE IT. Its fab, really it is. I like the idea of how you are seeing a completly new side to some one.
That happened to me, when my shy friend asked me for sex.
ANYWAYSS....back to the song.
(It's all) Go go go
Well It's all systems go yeh
Released apprehension
A lifetime extension


Fantastic lines here, very easy to imagine them being sung.
Yeah
I feel so much better, so much better and
Now
You've come clean, you're so clean yeah
Woah
I feel oh so lucky, oh so lucky and
Now
You've come clean, you're oh so clean yeah


Very Franzferdinand here for some reason...i think it reminds me of do you want to
Which by the way, is meant as a compliment.
10/10 from me mate, i really like this....why wernt you up for WOTM?
franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#36
I had 1 nomination, quite good, I think, for my first month.

Sorry for the quick reply trig, but the forums are dead at the moment and I believe Franz deserves a reply

I love how you can imagine them being sung, I try to write like that.

Thanks alot Franz.

Bah, I need to wait 2/3 days till I can post more.
#37
=P no probs mate. Id have voted for you. =p
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#38
If you got rid of the woahs and the christ in the verses, I would really like this one...they just seemed slightly out of place in context with the rest of the song...I would've done a full crit but other than that I would've just been saying 'like the rhyming' 'like it, it's a good chorus' so i thought i wouldn't bother

If you wouldn't mind critting mine that'd be great https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=373219&highlight=draw+line
Last edited by Burpbelly at Jun 9, 2006,
#39
It is good, but it seems loike it is drug out and too long in some places. short and to the point would be nice.