#1
When i wrote this song i did have a certain heme in mind, but i feel the great thing about literature is that you can interpret it in your own way. Tell me what you think.

Verse1:
Manufactured
To keep you in your place
To let you know whats yours
To give you some release

Verse2:
What better way
To keep us down
Than to create an escape
Everyone can reach

Chorus:
I want no part
Of your indoctrination
I want no part in this façade
You have no conscience
For those who waste their lives

Verse3:
It keeps us happy
Protected by the familiar wall
On the other side
How can you let this theory reign?

Chorus

Bridge:
Leave me alone
I think for myself
Leave me lone
I need no escape

Outro:
It holds us down
To happiness
Can this be bad
Think for yourself.
#2
I liked it. The bridge is a little cliched, but it could be worse, I guess. Everything else was very good.
#3
i actually really enjoy this, especially "How can you let this theory reign?" i don't know if this is what you meant but i took from it that we are living on ideas instead of facts. either way that's what's so good about it, open to interpretation, think for yourself.
#4
^^ Thats wat i like so much bout literature, thats not what i had in mind at all, yet its your interpretation, and its a very valid one.
#5
I enjoyed that, You contrast the simple verses with the more complicated chrus which has more feel, keep it up
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#6
Its pretty good, though I have to agree with opivy21, the bridge is a bit cliched.
According to BS statistics, 92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you're among the 8% who doesn't consider rap to be real music, donate your brains, as you clearly aren't using them.
#7
I liked that a lot... really reminded me of the depth of the metaphors system of a down uses... The bridge, while a tad cliche, would work, but if you have any other idea for it, I'd say try it out.
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why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#8
A verse by verse breakdown for you:

Quote by Malakian=God

Verse1:
Manufactured
To keep you in your place
To let you know whats yours
To give you some release
I like this, it starts off like any good piece of writing should: with something to hold your interest. This verse made me want to read on to find out what exactly you meant.

Verse2:
What better way
To keep us down
Than to create an escape
Everyone can reach
The thing about this verse I don't like is that it's separate from the first. I think they should be one conjoined verse--it just feels too rushed, for one. Another reason they should be joined is that this verse doesn't explain anything from the first verse. It just sort of adds more to the idea of "manufacture".

Chorus:
I want no part
Of your indoctrination
I want no part in this façade
You have no conscience
For those who waste their lives
I can see where this would fit in the song later on, but right now it means nothing to me as I don't know who "you" refers to (me? Or are you speaking to someone?) The whole thing just seems very disjointed from the previous two verses.

Verse3:
It keeps us happy
Protected by the familiar wall
On the other side
How can you let this theory reign?
All four of these lines make little sense. What is "it"? What is the familiar wall? On the other side of what, and what's on the other side? What theory? I just can't make sense of it all and it doesn't seem to flow together logically, both as a verse and as part of the song.

Chorus
I would like to say here that the chorus still doesn't make sense to me.

Bridge:
Leave me alone
I think for myself
Leave me lone
I need no escape
The bridge contains what I assume is your theme: "I think for myself". But that still doesn't help bring things together.

Outro:
It holds us down
To happiness
Can this be bad
Think for yourself.
Again, what is "it", what is "this"? The song never really explains anything at all.

Not to sound like a complete jerk because I think you have great potential, but your song just isn't that good. I think it's too open to interpretation. I know you want it to be, but there's a difference between being open to interpretation and saying nothing. What you are doing here is saying nothing a lot. It seemed you were more focused on writing a song that can be interpreted different ways but you tried to force a theme on it. I got your point through literal lines (two of them) but I didn't get that feeling from the overall song. I mostly got a disjointed feeling.

Please don't think I'm just dumping on your song, because I think you definitely have potential, but you should be more concise in your writing, feel free to say something in your song.
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#10
This is a nice message.. I just wish it was a little more specific. I mean, interpretation is nice, but I don't think it works well with this.

Also, I agree that the bridge is a little unnecessary. It's not as well written as the rest and should be axed.
#13
Ok, to start with, this was cliched. That's the first thing i noticed. However it wasn't bad, like gogita21 said, you have potential. I just don't think you reached it. One thing that was odd is that it started off extreamly simplistic then all of a sudden a burst of more complicated words jumped out at me and then faded away again. It was almost as if you picked up a dictionary half way through writing it and then put it back down again .

Anyway, think about the things i've suggested and i hope i helped. Good luck.
#16
I liked your message, totally dig it. But I think that the bridge needs to be worked on, not only is it cliched but it simplifies your message to - it appears to me - to a lower level. Otherwise, a good piece, keep it up!
UG Irish Clan-Póg mo thóin

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I just like chasing them with sticks.


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