#1
Staring at a wall
For days and days
Makes me go insane

I can't sleep
I can't breath
My mind is going blank
My life is going no where

I wish I was at a better place
Farther away from this hell hole
I'm starting to lose my patience

I can't sleep
I can't breath
My mind is going blank
My life is going no where
Crit my song Ignorance of the Safe
Ignorance of the Safe
#2
is the title "Bored" ?

Staring at a wall
For days and days
Makes me go insane

Okay well i like the idea you put forward here, i guess it's pretty obvious immediately what this is gonna be about, which is nice and direct. however this stanza feels very very unfinished. it stops really abruptly when it only really got started. i dunno if you have plans to put it to music? cos then things like this sound quite effective with music yup, but i dunno, just as it stands it feels really lacking. i'd add some more lines to this, develop your point further

I can't sleep
I can't breath
My mind is going blank
My life is going no where

2nd line: *"breathe"
again cool work, but it also feels quite empty. you need some substance and thick basis behind this if you want to make it work.

I wish I was at a better place
Farther away from this hell hole
I'm starting to lose my patience

this is more like it, although like the first stanza i feel this stops toooo abruptly and suddenly, y'know? as i'm reading it i feel that it should continue on beyond the 3 lines. also i'm not so keen on "hell hole" cos it's kinda a cliche.

I can't sleep
I can't breath
My mind is going blank
My life is going no where

nice use of repitition here. this piece does not feel finished though. i dunno if it is, or whether this is as as you got or whatever, but like it just feels like it's gonna go on.

good basis man, but definitely not finished. keep it up!
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#3
Yeah i agree with jallas. I think its unfinished. I liked the beginning, as it opened it nicely but apart from that i dont feel that its anything speshal.YET.
I think maybe you should add some or something.
6/10 right now
franz xxx
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Use it.
#4
i agree! it's not finished. i like it... but it just trails off. i think we need more of an ending. but reading it a second time - i hate the place where i live. i really, really hate this town, and i can't leave just yet. so i get it. I GET IT NOW. whoo, go me... and go you, for getting it all out like this. good. if it's a work in progress, i want to see the finished product when you're done, and if it's done, then good work.
#5
I'd like to help, but I have only the lyrics to go on, and no music. If the music
works, the the lyrics don't matter very much (System of a Down has a song
about left-over pizza, and Def Leppard just picked words that sounded cool
together and made them work). But, I'd like to comment on your lyrics.

1. You definately get your point across, but you're very literal. The simplicity
of your subject matter should lend itself to better illusions. For example;
instead of calling it a "hell hole" why not something like "freeway of
disenchantment" Maybe that's too long for the music, but it creates a
definate picture. Expand your metaphors... See what I mean?

2. Songs need a beginning a middle and an end. The lyrics for this song
just are. There is no direction, no catharsis, nothing happens. Songs
need a point, a reason for existance. Even if that catharsis is purely
musical. There are even tricks to make this happen; ie: just add one more
ending line to the song that changes the destination of the song. The
listener thought you were going somewhere else.
Keep your song intact and add something like "Then it rained".

3. Effective use of repetition on the chorus. I don't, personally, like to use "me"
or "my" when I write. I prefer generalizations so the listener feels they're
invited to share my thoughts and feelings. Again, that's just me.

4. The teenage angst thing you've hooked on this one doesn't appeal to me, but
it sells records. I agree with the others, though, it isn't finished.

Thanks for letting me comment on your stuff, it's hard, sometimes, to ask for
constructive criticism.
#7
First things first, I think you should change "hell hole" to "**** hole".

I really liked this. I don't think that you should change it much at all. I personally enjoy short pieces. I can't stand when people have the same thing to say throughout an entire song and they make their piece very long by saying the same thing in different ways. It's too redundant. That's why I like this - simple, short, and it bluntly says what you mean instead of beating around the bush.

I will say that it's not jaw dropping or stunningly original, but it's solid.