#1
ive started writing stuff like this, ever since i heard ahiro, who are like an emo-poetry hiphop kinda act.
here you go.

im flailing and spluttering for words i cant find
im lost in the clutter of my own mind
i have no way to describe my position
searching for loopholes in my own decision

but heartbreak should not be such a charade
for every bond you break, another is made
for every bridge that you snap, and place that you trap
another way rises to fill up the gap

i can feel your essence entwining my soul
and that is the feeling that makes me feel whole
a yearning for homeland that is my calling
trying to get back, stalling, falling and crawling

after all, love is only word that we say
and cannot be emotion, or a price that we pay
defining the actions and choices we take
or forming and breaking the bonds that we make

so to sum it all up and to find a conclusion
it seems that emotions are just an illusion
made to cause rifts in our lives and others
and to disguise the fact were all sisters and brothers


what dya reckon?
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#2
Emo/hip-hop??... *vomits*

Ok, now that that's over...

Um, I actually liked it. I reckon about a 7/10. Maybe 7 1/2 outta 10.
#3
thanks man, whats wrong with emo and hiphop?
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#4
but heartbreak should not be such a charade
for every bond you break, another is made
for every bridge that you snap, and place that you trap
another way rises to fill up the gap


Now THAT....was effing clever. A very well put together peice of work man, i like it and youve used some CLASS lyrics.
9/10 from me =P
Crit mine? the link is in my sig.
franzxxxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
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Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
excellent rhythmn and rhyme. really nice writing!!
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#6
im flailing and spluttering for words i cant find
im lost in the clutter of my own mind
i have no way to describe my position
searching for loopholes in my own decision

i really don't like the use of "flailing" in the first line, it sounds really clumsy and it's just not a poetic word tbh. I'd simply put "failing" instead- works much better
i like the rhyme scheme and topic here, but your rhythm is sometiems a little off. for example, in that 2nd line, i think you need a couple extra syllables to even the flow out. i'd suggest something like "i'm lost all alone in the clutter of my mind"
the rest is fine though. really cool rhyming i digggg it.

but heartbreak should not be such a charade
for every bond you break, another is made
for every bridge that you snap, and place that you trap
another way rises to fill up the gap

i really like this. nothing to crit.

i can feel your essence entwining my soul
and that is the feeling that makes me feel whole
a yearning for homeland that is my calling
trying to get back, stalling, falling and crawling

in the very last line, personally i'd change "get back" either to "come back" or "return"- i can't really say why lol, i just think they sound a little better lol.
this stanza is also really cool, i like it muchly =]

after all, love is only word that we say
and cannot be emotion, or a price that we pay
defining the actions and choices we take
or forming and breaking the bonds that we make

hmm in this, cool writing, but when you say "love blah blah cannot be emotion" well like... that's kinda weird... cos it is... yknow.
also, you already used the "forming and breaking bonds" malarky earleir on, i'd recommend finding an alternative expression. if you're going for the whole "repitition in the song" that's cool, but it doesn't work IMO cos the words aren't in a similar context and the stanza isn't similar. it just looks like you ran out of ideas and copped out by using a phrase you have already.

so to sum it all up and to find a conclusion
it seems that emotions are just an illusion
made to cause rifts in our lives and others
and to disguise the fact were all sisters and brothers

this is a cool ending, i don't really have much to say about it. i liek it.

good job man
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
thanks, that was really useful, i can see you have some problems with the rythm, and i can see why that is by just reading it. When i wrote it earlier, i was singing it, and i had a pattern for that stanza, which still works. Problem is, i cant really explain it in writing.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#8
well if it sounds alright when you sing it, then keep it the same lol. everyone reads it in a different way, but you wrote the song, thus you make up how you sing it. if it sounds fine they way you do it, then that's all that matters
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
9/10. I like your rhyming and i love the cleverness you put into it. Really nice for emo/hip-hop.
©Ibanez4
#11
i liked it.. everything i was going to say is allready covered, a pretty lame crit... but what can i do.
#12
Holy shit.
i thought you were kidding when you mentioned your own song.

dude.

I nominate this for song of the month.