#1
i've finished my exams =]
please leave me a link.


to forgive and forget.


Forgive me, brother, for I have sinned,
And created lies too true to be told.
Forget me, sister, for I do not belong;
I?ve completed this life and thus been sold.

I learned when I was small,
An old-fashioned hall;
A mirror of errors;
Basins of jaunted memories.
I did, I succeeded.
That was me, that name you heard, and
That was me, that face you saw.

I got carried
Away,
Now I reside in a house by the sea.
Live with me.
Too far from the waterfall to catch the spray;
Too far from land to busy ourselves
With media nonsense,
Media troubles.

I am a private show
Screened to nobody.
Remote isle.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
Quote by jallas
to forgive and forget.

Forgive me, brother, for I have sinned,
And created lies too true to be told.
Forget me, sister, for I do not belong;
I?ve completed this life and thus been sold.

I loved that second line, it was like "wow". A nice opener.

I learned when I was small,
An old-fashioned hall;
A mirror of errors;
Basins of jaunted memories.
I did, I succeeded.
That was me, that name you heard, and
That was me, that face you saw.

I wasn't sure those first two lines were that good, they sound awkward when said aloud. But the fragmented descriptions and internal rhyme was lovely.

I got carried
Away,
Now I reside in a house by the sea.
Live with me.
Too far from the waterfall to catch the spray;
Too far from land to busy ourselves
With media nonsense,
Media troubles.

Again, I didn't like the first two lines as much, I think it should just be combined into one line. And the waterfall line struck me as a bit odd, I didn't quite understand it

I am a private show
Screened to nobody.
Remote isle.

I loved the idea, but I thought it could be better worded or something. To sort of really drive the point home.


I realize that this is sort of an empty crit, but there's not much I would really change

Anyways, here's my latest if you feel like it.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#3
Nothing wrong with the first stanza, but the second and third were a little odd. I agree with s0nofabe4ch about the first two lines of the second stanza. They just seemed a little weak and out of place. The way you wrote:

I got carried
Away,

That sort of flowed weird, but I guess that that's not necassarily a bad thing. Good overall.

Critique here if you'd like, but you're not obligated.
#4
to forgive and forget.

Forgive me, brother, for I have sinned,
And created lies too true to be told.
Forget me, sister, for I do not belong;
I’ve completed this life and thus been sold.
I thought this verse was great, But I couldn't really get anything from it. The second line is very nice though.

I learned when I was small,
An old-fashioned hall;
A mirror of errors;
Basins of jaunted memories.
I did, I succeeded.
That was me, that name you heard, and
That was me, that face you saw.
This one is really powerful to me, but I can't think of something very musical. The last line in this one sticks out I think

I got carried
Away,
Now I reside in a house by the sea.
Live with me.
Too far from the waterfall to catch the spray;
Too far from land to busy ourselves
With media nonsense,
Media troubles.
I liked this one most of all. It sounds good read, but it seems like you're trying to hard NOT to rhyme. The waterfall spray thing is a real good sounding line, as if you're trapped just out of reach.

I am a private show
Screened to nobody.
Remote isle.
Great ender. Nothing more to say.


Please see my first link in my sig. This was actually my first ever full crit, so uh.. sorry if it sucked
#5
thanks very much guys! much appreciated

skate guitar- when you say "the last line in this one sticks out" do you mean that it doesn't really fit in? or that its an outstanding line? lol

thanks again =]
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
Forgive me, brother, for I have sinned, OMFG! I just wrote a piece based on the line 'forgive me father for I have sinned' coincidence? I think not.
And created lies too true to be told. find a more poetic synonym for 'created', I'm sure you can find a word that better suits your needs
Forget me, sister, for I do not belong; excellent
I?ve completed this life and thus been sold. powerful and concise, very good last line to the stanza

I learned when I was small, This line doesnt do much for me, but I guess it works in the context of this stanza
An old-fashioned hall;
A mirror of errors;
Basins of jaunted memories. Mighty fine grocery list you got here, very powerful imagery
I did, I succeeded. I'm very confused by this line
That was me, that name you heard, and
That was me, that face you saw. Excellent

I got carried
Away,Line break is unescesary
Now I reside in a house by the sea.
Live with me. Best follow-up line ever
Too far from the waterfall to catch the spray;
Too far from land to busy ourselves best writing I've seen in a while
With media nonsense,
Media troubles. too down to earth and I dont think the contrast to the dreamyness of the first half of the stanza works very well.

I am a private show
Screened to nobody.nice carry-over
Remote isle. Excellent.

Not really much to crit. In this piece you have your good points and your average points but in the end I left it with a very uplifting spirit, which was good. Congrats with Exams being over!!! I have my last one tomorrow in math, I'm so excited to get out of school. Sorry I've been pissing you off today, hope your keeping yourself well

... and if you wouldnt completely mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=372154
#9
I learned when I was small,
An old-fashioned hall;
thats the only part in the i didnt really understand in the 2nd stanza over alll very good
#10
wow thanks very much guys, specially synthy. i really wasn't expecting this kind of feedback lol, i've not written so much recently due in part to so many flipping exams, due in part to the development of my full-length novels =) i guess that you could say i was on a break from writing. this just came out the other day and i really wans't sure of it. but thanks a whole lot for the comments
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#11
Well i was going to do a full crit for you, but then i realised I didn't have anything constructive to say.
I loved all of it, except for the "I learned when I was small, An old-fashioned hall" lines, they just didnt seem to fit. But thats probably just me trying to find something to pick on. 9/10, Awsome job
#12
Good Stuff. 9/10.

Sorry for the lame crit, but Synth has given you everything you need, I think.