#1
Place Of

In retrospect, the road has been twisted.
Paths which forked offered little assistance
and now I am stuck,
I have come to a field.
I once dreamed of this field.
I continue forward.

I have come to a body.
A body of water I dreamed in the past.
I know everyone here and they all know me,
and though I knew that they would be here,
I surely knew not whom.

A spectacle of twists and turns are displayed
by daring young men for impressable girls.
Young men soar through the air as if angels,
devils in disguise by facades of youth.
#4
I have come to a body.
A body of water I dreamed in the past.
I know everyone here and they all know me,
and though I knew that they would be here,
I surely knew not whom.


You what?

It was a decent little piece, I liked your explanation for the abrupt ending, but I got so confused in that second stanza that Ididn't know if I was coming or going!

I suggest you rethink that second stanza. that's all I really had a problem with here.
#5
makes sence how you ended it i think you should write another song to continue this one threw the years

I have come to a body.
A body of water I dreamed in the past.
I know everyone here and they all know me,
and though I knew that they would be here,
I surely knew not whom.
i liked that one on the first verse i would change "i once dreamed of this field" it doesnt sound right to me over all a 9/10 good piece could you crit this https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=373117thanks
#6
awesome stuff..Blake, right?

I really liked the unique flow.

And I don't suggest you rethink the second stanza, maybe just the wording in the last line of it is a tad akward.

I really have no other comments..this was neat.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#7
Yeh, I didn't mean a whole rewrite. I just got confused with

I know everyone

and

I surely knew not whom

kind of contradicted, but, maybe it's just me. Forgive me, I've had a long day...
#8
HAHAHAHAHA, dude, you precede yourself, Well done...

it was genius the first and last stanza's were my favourite but the second one was good too, i have nothing to suggest, the poem (for what it is) is perfect... i mean that as a compliment, might not sound it but if i said it was perfect completely people would have a go at me.

Well Done man, i have a new piece up called Hello Noel, if you could have a look please

I laugh at the people who don't understand the second stanza, hahahahaha, read young people, the meaning shall come to you...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#9
jammydude - its pretty straightforward man, the second stanza says that i knew that there would be people there, i just didnt know WHO would be there.. simple enough?

manthtscrazy - i do plan on writing more continuing this as my life continues. and i cant change that, because i did once dream of that field.

dashboard - yeah its blake. thanks for the feedback

Auals - thanks for the praise, buddy. im glad you understood the second stanza.. i dont find it confusing at all.

thanks for the comments guys!

ill try to repay the favors but ive been resorting to using other peoples' computers to get online lately and its difficult for me to get much use in.