#1
(Crit4Crit) Heres song number 4 from stratkat, Now I have almost finished, I might replace the new verse.

Verse 1

(the memories are painful)
And the hole just gets bigger
when will i pull the trigger
(everyone is so hateful)
when it goes off ill fall
my brains blown against the wall
(and now ive said a mouthful)

chorus

every memory
burns a hole in my heart
and all my memories
are tearing me apart

verse 3

And my painful memories
(And you started all of them)
The ones only i can see
(I think of what could have been)
Why can't they just leave me be

(chorus)

verse 2

(does anyone else feel the rain)
And the hole just gets bigger
when will i pull the trigger?
(please take away all the pain)
when it goes off ill fall
my brains against the wall
(every way out looks the same)


verse 1
chorus
verse 3 (not yet written)
chorus
verse 2
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 19, 2006,
#2
Retitle it "Screaming Emo".

I mean, no offense, but these "I can't stand it so I'm going to write a song about suicide" songs are getting very stale.

It's too straight-forward, too. Use some imagery.
#3
i like it, chorus is great and i reckon it would be pretty good when set to music. Kinda in-flamesy. Bit simple though. I like the idea for the verses, i assume parts in brackets are different voice? like, screaming or something? It would be best that way. (please check out my song- its in my sig)
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#5
grungefan89, go blow yourself

Well done stratkat

Quote by StratKat
when it goes off ill fall
my brains blown against the wall
(and now ive said a mouthful)


Welldone man, very well done, that line made me laugh, anyway, well done, i have a new piece up called "Hello Noel" if you could have a look please...

The chorus is alright, very simple, is it repeated? it's probly the only thing i have a problem with
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
(the memories are painful)
And the hole just gets bigger
when will i pull the trigger
(everyone is so hateful)
when it goes off ill fall
my brains blown against the wall
(and now ive said a mouthful)

*I like the bigger/trigger rhyme, so good job on that. I didn't like the fall/wall rhyme, it is way to forced. and the "mouthful" part is too much of a trite expression for this type of song.*

chorus

every memory
burns a hole in my heart
and all my memories
are tearing me apart

*Simple, yet effective. It may be a little too simple. It's an ok chorus*

verse 2

(does anyone else feel the rain)
And the hole just gets bigger
when will i pull the trigger?
(please take away all the pain)
when it goes off ill fall
my brains against the wall
(every way out looks the same)

*exactly then same as the first verse, except for the part in parenthese. Obviously, that was intentional, but I don't like it. Change it up a little.*

Honestly, emo isn't nessassarily bad to me. But I'm going to be brutally honest with you, I don't like this song much at all. I give it a 5/10. Sorry man.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=373261
#7
Quote by Auals
grungefan89, go blow yourself


That's my opinion. Don't like it? Hmmm...if you don't have anything better to say than "go blow yourself", ignore my post! It's so simple!
#8
Quote by grungefan89
That's my opinion. Don't like it? Hmmm...if you don't have anything better to say than "go blow yourself", ignore my post! It's so simple!


Yeah, i wasn't tlaking about what you said, i just htink you should go blow yourself, that MY opinion, odn't like it? ignore my post...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#11
Please, let's keep this a friendly place

It wasn't my style, but I won't just act negative because of that.

I felt this lacked any real interest, any point of real ingeniuty that kept me entertained. I also felt that the rhyming was forced "Rain/pain/same", although an interesting structure, you didn't pull it off very well.

It is a cliche subject, and a cliche subject needs some genius to seperate it from the rest of the crowd.

This just didn't have it
#12
Quote by Auals
Yeah, i wasn't tlaking about what you said, i just htink you should go blow yourself, that MY opinion, odn't like it? ignore my post...



Jesus, what are you five or something?


On topic: As everyone else has said, it was riddled with clichés and didn't have anything to seperate it from the rest. People need to stay away from the idea of Will they/Won't they 'pull the trigger' as well. I haven't been on this board long but have seen it countless times all ready.
#14
because Verse 1 and 2 are the same i made verse1 the intro and verse 2 the outro, the intro and outro are the same except for the brackets, i thought it was a neat idea. And yeah the chorus is repeated twice.
#15
I'll sum it up in one word: Unoriginal.

But, you've inspired me to write a song about angsty teenagers.
#16
The theme has been overdone, so I can't get excited. However, it in itself is well written and probably should be done to grunge or some simple standard rock.


plz crit
Bard Morons - Tell me, comprhend, and please
#17
a very well written piece, easy to relate to. im sure everyone at one time or another has felt the same way, had a bad day or gotten dumped and just wished they were dead. and i'd call bull**** on almost anyone who claimed otherwise.

i liked this, it seemed to flow. it had some good ryming in it, and it definately did not seem forced. its true, the subject is a bit overdone, but overall a good piece. 8/10.

and to those of you saying it was too straightfoward: **** imagry, it has its place, but some of the greatest songs of all time were just as straitfoward and used just as little imagery. i mean "i wanna hold your hand"? where the hell is imagery in that song? im not saying imagery is bad, but when you start to force it and use it for the sake of having it, you take away from the emotion of the song. in songwriting, you can either paint a picture, tell a story, or convey emotion. he chose to convey emotion; sadness. so let the lack of imagery be, and please, for the love of God, stop telling people there songs are no good because of a lack of imagery.

[/end rant]

thanks



edit: that was more directed towards grunge fan and fueled by almost every other post on this board about pieces sucking for not using enough imagry. sorry for the rant
Last edited by Zeus2716 at Jun 10, 2006,