same stuff crit for crit thanks for ny crits though ok so this piece of mine isnt very thought out and very unorganized so please deal with it thanks

it was the urging of confessions
that brought him to his knees
that put thoughts threw his mind
that stood him up to be king

king of nothing
alot in his world
he never really needeed that girl
passing by on sabbath day
he continued his job to finish it all
touch the sky and burry the sunshine
that lit there lives
blackend my heart but lit there lives
they play my game like theyve known it all
i look for peace but they stare me down
il smile blankly as i report to where i stand
to shoot down my angels of red
who needs them its all tall tales
ive carried my weight to the end of the wall
on my own thats how i made my thrown
the zephyr pushed aginest my will
i never needed it ill spit it to the hills
in 21 hours thier lives will end
of slit wrist moans and criys of never being kissed
theyve lost there reputations
along with how things should be
it will all end just let it be
It's good...somewhat morbid (21 hours their lives will end with slit wrist moans) but I like that.

To me, it seems more like a story than a song, but that could be because of the way it's written...it's still a good piece though.

could you check out mine please? Overdose
Quote by Corwinoid
Metal doesn't hold hands, it gets head in the van before the show. Seriously.

Originally posted by tyler 417 714
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There's a band called tool?

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People still watch MTV?
Your sigs says emo's suck. But it seems to read like an emo song.(not pop emo, good emo). You should put a break in there somewhere. And the sabath day seems a little cliche. But it is pretty nice none the less.
I liked it! Except, that I couldn't tell if it would have verses or chorus, etc. I think it sounds/ looks more like a poem. But, as I said, I liked it so keep writing.