#1
These tears dash from flesh to paper,
Ink runs in fear but never gets away,
Instead it smudges even further,
Till what once possessed the page is now unreadable.

I am in two minds, and two faces,
Following failure in it's guises,
He follows me in shadow form,
Always right there, always behind me. [But always two steps ahead]

I don't see why I wake up each morning,
I would be better off remaining,
Comatosed in my bed, removed and reclused,
But I wake up and I thrust myself into life headfirst.

Ever get the feeling your going wrong,
Your in the wrong place with the wrong people?
I am that feeling, I live it, it is me,
Isn't it odd how only days ago, hours ago, minutes ago,
Nothing seemed so bad, nothing seemed so wrong.

Things change instantly,
The once proud writing now runs in fear,
Of the essence of life devouring my eyesight,
This means nothing, ignore it, it has failed as have I


just found this on my computer
seemed to shock me as one of few things ive wrote that i like when looking back
so i wondered what you would all think...
#2
Nice piece

Sorry, I'm very tired. I enjoyed this one, just don't have the energy to write much.
#3
nice wording i like it good imagery but maybe your sentences are a bit complicated for a song. try and loose some of the commers and go a tad simpler. this cud be a load of bull but its my opinion.
#4
Sry this is prolly a bad crit but i like it. I can't find anything else to say about except that. It didn't seem exactly like a song but more like a story and i think that is what i truly like about it.
©Ibanez4
#5
thanks guys
if you can be positive without reason then i assume its perfect :p

to Tok; yeah i can see what you mean, i noticed the structure was a bit awkward for a song, but once i get good at writing music im sure i can find my way around it without too much hassle
#6
i think it was really good, apart from the rhythm, but i dont know how your singing it. Comatosed is a really cool word, and i will try to work it into future conversation.
VENUSIAN
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Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices