#1
Hi all

I have no idea whatsoever where this song came from and would just like a bit of feedback...o ye and its crit for crit

O ye I sould probably mention that in the last verse the word 'bite' isn't bite as in 'the dog bit me' its more like the cogs biting together...just so you dont get confused

You Can't Draw a Line Under My Heels

A symbol of the air vibration
Keep me down through your suffocation
The myth of a story worth hearing
It makes me sick, my stomach?s sneering

A drawn out line that meets at the tip
You bring me down with a word from your lips
I need to run but I just can?t hide
Why can?t I tell you, you shouldn?t be mine

You can?t know how you make me feel
You can?t draw a line under my heels
You can?t hide behind you?re broken shield
You can?t draw a line under my heels

Magnetic waves on the ocean floor
Attract me through your open door
As we walk through lives we can?t turn round,
Can?t keep me up, when you?re keeping me down

You can?t know how you make me feel
You can?t draw a line under my heels
You can?t hide behind you?re broken shield
You can?t draw a line under my heels

You wash away the rain with your light
You never know it just might bite
Through the clouds the sky looks stale
And through my eyes we have to fail

You can?t know how you make me feel
You can?t draw a line under my heels
You can?t hide behind you?re broken shield
You can?t draw a line under my heels
#2
the only criticism i have is the sneering rhyme...it seems forced, it broke the flow for me a bit. other than that it seems pretty good, the message is vague to me but like you said you don't know where it's from so maybe there is a mystery for everyone to find.
#3
Cheers...ye i thought that rhyme was forced a bit when i wrote it but i couldn't think of another word to use...I wanted to get the impression of 'your lies make me sick' without actually saying that cos that sounds really cheesy
#4
Thanks for the crit on my song firstly.
This, is fantastic.
No, seriously, i really love it. The chorus is amazingly put together and very catchy, and the verses are SO well worded...
god, im going to have to give this a 10/10 from me!
franz xxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
^^Cheers Muchly Franz...umm i dont know what to say to that, i've never really had an all positive reply :P
#6
You need not say anything. Just remain triumphant

franZ xxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Only thing I can say is that the rhyme scheme is quite poor, which forces some of the rhymes and disrupts flow.

But other than that, pretty good. Keep it up.
#9
^Cheers...ye i no the rhyming is a bit unoriginal but still i felt that it was just about right for this song