#1
Dan and Laurie in The Gunga Diner

I met her in El Alamein
She looked awkward,
Flinching and scraping her nails,
Next too true beauties

A friend said she had a crush
So I tried to be nice
But showed no interest,

She was an attractive girl
Her body misshapen, but
Correctly curvy.
Her breasts hung loose
Not ample like most.
Her nose and lips
Stained red like
Losts mittens
Drifts of snow
Her legs, chicken wire
Without a home to wrap themselves around

She talked to me twice
In scorching literary heat
Both times
Her sarcast stained monotone
An oasis

I read her poetry, clutched
In spite and every other ingredient
A strange unique girl
Is suppose to possess

I left the desert
With her barren sex
Pinned heavy on the bud of my nipple

Two years later,
I felt a pinch in my chest
I took off my shirt and folded it
In Vienna?s boisterous streets
And in linear fashion
I heard scattered voices
Of,
Haydn
Strauss
Schubert
And followed their vowels to her fingertips

Her fingers tips,
Above them her chest swayed
Like scarecrow limbs
Solitary
Fallacious
Synthetic

I dreamt of how many times I had made love
And out of my mouth poured an ounce of sand

El Alamein
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Jun 13, 2006,
#2
Thats the best piece i've read in an age, brilliant, the narrative is consistant, and the juxtaposition of the conflicts within the two characters relationships to be associated with El Alamein is Awfully clever. I just liked the subtle relevances throughout. Although at times the flow is disrupted, whether for effect or my approach at reading it. Lines like:

Drifts of Snow - I read "in" before it, but there is a subtle flow there, so i'll neglect the thought to suggest a change.

An oasis - I really didn't like this here, theres no relevance to the verse, and I felt it to be redundant in adding anything more than the preceding lines.

Two years late,
I felt a pinch in my chest
I took off my shirt and folded it
In Vienna?s boisterous streets
And in linear fashion
I heard scattered voices
Of,
Haydn
Strauss
Schubert
And followed their vowels to her fingertips

Her fingers tips


Thats my fav. part. Mainly the fingertip bits.


Thats about it, really nice piece, enjoyed it immensely!

peACE bro'

Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jun 8, 2006,
#3
Wow... wow... wow. In one read through I actually chortled, chuckled, laughed at pure wit, frowned in sadness, and almost cried in beauty. This, good people of UG, is how you write a narrative, everything lies perfectly in place and you keep the same tone throughout, I loved it. I for one enjoyed the oasis and dessert references greatly and the overall allusions through the piece were amazing. Also the pure imagery was some of the most powerfull I have seen, ever. The beggining was rather awkward but it made the revelations revealed later that much more powerful, excelent use of contrast of flow and tone...

I just read it two more times outloud... wow... brilliant, theres nothing to say after that...

except maybe, would you do me the honor to take a look at my newest?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=372154
#4
I read up on El Alamein a bit, then I was like "Ohhhhh...damn." Amazingly clever.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#6
My favourite piece ina ages.

Superb style, I just hope you can write a load more as decent as this.

Great style.
#9
Keep the first draft and then frame it and hang it on your wall as the best piece you've written.

And then have a look at my latest.