#1
please crit and/or rate and I'll crit yours

Lamia

My soul was snatched away
As the silence of the night
Fed from all I had left to give- drove me to insanity

All life I once had was drained
I tripped and fell into a black hole
Finding myself lost in thickening immortality

I tried to runaway
Keep the cold from chilling my veins
Death had become so close
Yet... So far away

I can't touch the sun
I can't feel your love
I can't quench my endless thirst
Nothing will fix the damage
Forever I'm left broken- dead
Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse

Like the mirror that held no reflection
I'll shatter to a thousand pieces
You'll watch as I hunt, kill, and let all blood run

I've given up on all hope of living
Losing grip on what was once reality
Listen- there's nothing left here for you hun

I didn't runaway
I let the cold chill my veins
Death is still so close
Yet so far away

I can't touch the sun
I can't feel your love
I can't quench my endless thirst
Nothing will fix the damage
Forever I'm left broken- dead
Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse

(This part is spoken/screamed) - Stuck between a world of the dead and the living- I can't handle such distress! Why won't you just stake me? Put me out of my everlasting misery! Look into my ravenous, blood-thirsty eyes and STAKE ME!- (This part is spoken/screamed)

Please...
Take your stake and stab into my heart
It's already dead- It's already broken
Throw away the life evil has given me
Burn my words before they're spoken
As nights fade more into worthless days
Your world will bleed into abstract art
If you don't destroy me soon baby
I'll tear your flesh apart!

I can't touch the sun
I can't feel your love
I can't quench my endless thirst
Nothing will fix the damage
Forever I'm left broken- dead
Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse

Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse...
Drive through a pit of fire and let us burn
Last edited by Drowning_Helena at Jun 16, 2006,
#2
hmmm i'm thinking either "So Far Away" or "Broken"

good luck, and i like your lyrics
#4
STAKE ME! would be a kickass title
statistics show there are more children in the world today. that's china's fault

-meatwad
#6
What about "I Can't"? weak i know. but you never know.
i liked the song, real long. i think it would sound good.
i liked the first two stanzas
#7
i liked a lot of the imagery, but the broken glass, then saying i'll shatter was a bit i didn't like. if the glass is broken it's already shattered, but i just may be knit-picking. also, if you're still revising, since there's all the vampire stuff, maybe do something about not having a reflection when you talk about glass. just an idea, if you can fit it in cool, if not, this is pretty solid.
"When you do something right, it seems as if you've done nothing at all."
#8
I like the idea about writing about vampires although ive heard MCR, Aiden, and Bleeding Through write about them. 8/10 as for a names Bitten, I cant touch the sun,
Taste of blood, just keep thinking eventually the name will come to you
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 9, 2006,
#10
How about "Shattered" or "Down and Behind"... "Lifeless (w/out you)"..."Coldness"...
no kick-ass titles, but not too bad either.

Maybe "Drowning in Hatred"?
Fear the angels holocaust, they're screaming
Dreams of pain forever entering your head
Death and hatred loathing, on mankind it feeds
Earth is dead and gone now, we've brought it to an end
Last edited by MundL at Jun 9, 2006,
#13
I'm guessing that the lines you put mean alternate lyrics, so Ill aprroach this as so.My soul was snatched away
As the silence of the night
Fed from all I had left to give- drove me to insanity

^In the third line I like the first part rather than the insanity part, but it will inturn mess up the rhyming of the next verse.

All life I once had was drained
I tripped and fell into a black hole
Finding myself lost in thickening immortality

^I would suggest running this verse together more. It seems like the 1st line has nothing to do with the other two, just like a random statement.

I tried to runaway
Keep the cold from chilling my veins
Death had become so close
Yet... So far away

Nice flow, good ryhming.

I can't touch the sun
I can't feel your love
I can't quench my endless thirst
Nothing will fix the damage
Forever I'm left broken- dead
Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse

^Hmmm, Are you a vampire..lol. Nice imagery, even though its seems like its beem used before, but mainly because of the subject material.

Like just broken glass
I'll shatter to a hundred pieces
You'll watch me lock and load this gun

^I dont like this part because of the gun referance, its been used to many times to have any real appeal to it.

I've given up on all hope of living
Losing grip on what was once reality
Listen- there's nothing left here for you hun

^Nothing to really say here.

I didn't runaway
I let the cold chill my veins
Death is still so close
Yet so far away

I can't touch the sun
I can't feel your love
I can't quench my endless thirst
Nothing will fix the damage
Forever I'm left broken- dead
Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse

(This part is spoken/screamed) - Stuck between a world of the dead and the living- I can't handle such distress! Why won't you just stake me? Put me out of my everlasting misery! Look into my ravenous, blood-thirsty eyes and STAKE ME!- (This part is spoken/screamed)

Nice...

Please...
Take your stake and stab into my heart
It's already dead- It's already broken
Throw away the life evil has given me
Burn my words before they're spoken
As nights fade more into worthless days
Your world will bleed into abstract art
If you don't destroy me soon baby
I'll tear your flesh apart!

Good imagery yet again.

I can't touch the sun
I can't feel your love
I can't quench my endless thirst
Nothing will fix the damage
Forever I'm left broken- dead
Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse

Lock me in your coffin and drive this hearse...
Drive through a pit of fire and let us burn

After reading this, and before you take my crit to heart. This sounds really emo like to me, and Im not an emo fan or anything, so it makes it real hard for me to crit this. I really enjoyed this good job!
The Devil may.
#14
Lol- thanks I appreciate your crit- It helps a lot.

Um... I fixed my one stanza and changed it from this-

Like just broken glass
I'll shatter to a hundred pieces
You'll watch me lock and load this gun

To this-

Like the mirror that held no reflection
I'll shatter to a hundred pieces
You'll watch as I kill and force blood to run

I don't know if that's any better... ugh- it's driving me crazy

EDIT: Okay- one last edit... hope it's okay...

How about:

Like the mirror that held no reflection
I'll shatter to a hundred pieces
You'll watch as I hunt, kill, and let all blood run
Last edited by Drowning_Helena at Jun 9, 2006,
#15
Cheers for the crit on mine

Right first off this sort of music/writing is not my forte so anything that i say choose to ignore and I wouldn't be overly bothered

Titles? Unreflective, lame i no but maybe something to do with the mirror bit and no reflection for a vampire

I thought this was quite good overall, you know nice flow easy to follow good imagery but like i said its not really my thing so im not sure what to crit really...poor show I know
#16
i tho0ught the way you started it was amazing good song and thanks for the crits on my other one i apriciate it alot
#17
It's okay, it could become a good song if it's put to good music and you don't sing it like a whiney person like Hawthorne Heights does.

You seem you talk about thirst and death alot. You should name it "Life is Vampiric"
#20
amazing, seems close to "A Vampire's Lament" by Atreyu that I've redone sooo many times, and i like your title too, you did a great job at the lyrics. and it seems you put yourself in the position as a creature of the night... but you have no idea, you've just gotten a small taste. pretty soon, you'll have nightmares about them, and after that, you'll see them... everywhere. Then finally, you'll fall off the brink and become one... heh heh you'll get your full dose

Great Job again btw i was wondering, do you think my band could record it and send it to you? just to see what you think
#21
My song? You wanna record it? You think it's that great??? wow... well- um... i don't want my song stolen... and this song will be my bands work once we get a song together... so um- I'm kind of touchy on the subject BUT I'm so very flattered... thanks so much
#22
I won't steal your song hahaha it's amazing but I only take credit for my own work.

no I just enjoy composing projects and see how I do in lyrics that arent my own. I do it alot lol
#23
Thanks for understanding! Good to know you won't steal it... Now- I don't know if I'd want you doing this song... but I write songs all the time so maybe I can give you some other projects to mess with- would you be interested?
#24
Of course I understand, a musician's work is like a first born child. It's VERY hard to give up.
Hmmm I like your writing so of course I'm interested.
#26
once again a kick ass song by Drowning Helena. there is nothing wrong with this song.at all. nothing! ok, I may be going a bit crazy but it's an excellent song that is really well written. 10 out of 10. again.
B.C. RICH
#30
It's a bit dark, yet does not straight out say "My life sucks and I want to die." It also is interesting.

"I've given up on all hope of living
Losing grip on what was once reality
Listen- there's nothing left here for you hun"

I didn't really like that verse there. This song has potential, and it can also be ruined. It is a song that I think will depend on your singing voice.

Overall, 8/10.

Crit for crit, here's my recent work: Noone Knows Why
I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIST
JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU
YES I DOOOO
#31
wow i read this over again, definatly an 11/10 i have it stuck in my head. you are truly creative. amazing work
#33
This.Kicked.Ass.
Everything.
All.Of.It.

Briiiliant, i have no great suggestions for a title...sorry, hope you gets one =]
I loved this. The word emo popps into my head but thats okay. Its a great song.
Il give you a 9/10 [and a wee dancing guy]

can you crit michael for me?
franz xxx
PS: You give lyricists like me a bad name...keep it up =P
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#35
Interesting, to put it simply. Some of the imagery is a bit cliche, but the majority of it is fresh and original, and most importantly, it delivers the message successfully. at the least an 8.666... out of 10.
Originally posted by Grimster
This couple was doing like this romantic shoot like in there house, and all of a sudden a clown walked in and jizzed on the guys face. That is the true meaning of christmas.