#1
hi, i wrote you all something a bit darker. I think it could be made a lot better, so i need your help... here tis

all of these potholes that wound my existence
are marks that are left by my pointless resistance
ripped by the spiked arm of powers higher
and crushed under feet which rain steel and fire

i wait in this prison behind this locked gate
for a sadist, a facist, to decide on my fate
justice and trial are but a dream
lost to all in their dying scream

a flailing of arms and an outbreak of tears
a peer through the bars is what confirms my fears
dragged from his bed and beat between cries
another unfooled by the intricate lies

maybe to punish me im kept in here longer
as the visions of death grow stronger and stronger
perhaps i am not one as easy to crack
but it turns me insane when i try to look back


if you like it, please check out my other song, its in my sig
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#2
WOW.
Why hasnt anyone else gave a crit on this?? its awesome! i love it.
I have NO bad thing to say about it so.....


BUMP!!

tahbks for the crit on my song.

franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#3
thanks, thats my weeks worth of songs gone, but im working on an epic. Its gonna be LOOONGGGG
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#4
woot woot, i wanna see that when its finished!
franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
this is actually amazing...im sick of reading emo cut wrist lyrics everytime i visit the forum, im glad to see that somebody actually has their own legs to stand on against higher powers.

Best line: for a sadist, a facist, to decide on my fate

its like a mix between Anti Flag, Rise Against and Slayer

Its got a good title too
#7
man, everything i do is AABB, dunno why but i like it.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#10
thats my problem, i can write lyrics, i can write music, but i cant put it all together or write melody. I was hoping someone here could help me with this.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#11
I liked it all exept for one minor thing -
In this line:

"for a sadist, a fascist, to decide on my fate,"

I would suggest losing the "on" so it would just be decide my fate, or at least replace it with a different word. That's just my opinion, though, you might like it better the way you have it. Nice job.