#1
hi this i just made this song up its first draft but dont hesitate 2 crit.
(the bits in brackets are louder then the rest of the stanza)


(Remedy)
The fact that
your lying on ur back
On the ground

(Reality)
Is that your emotions
have taken you
(Down)

I left it all behind
Trying to kill time
Im poisoned by the sound
Of being on the (ground)

(Reasons)
to make religions
loose what
they found

(Retell)
Your story
of the king who was
not crownd

I left it all behind
Trying to kill time
Im poisoned by the sound
Of being on the (ground)

solo

I left it all behind
Trying to kill time
Im poisoned by the sound
Of being on the (ground) -(fade out)
#5
Quote by dingo356
hi this i just made this song up its first draft but dont hesitate 2 crit.
(the bits in brackets are louder then the rest of the stanza)


(Remedy)
The fact that
your lying on ur back
On the ground

Good ryhming, thats all for now though

(Reality)
Is that your emotions
have taken you
(Down)

Still like hte rhyming and words are getting better

I left it all behind
Trying to kill time
Im poisoned by the sound
Of being on the (ground)

I don't really get the sound and the ground relation, perhaps I'm not thinking hard enough?

(Reasons)
to make religions
loose what
they found

This part is kind of confusing.... lose what WHO found? The character or the churches?

(Retell)
Your story
of the king who was
not crownd

Sounds cool, but I'm not exactley sure where you are going with this song...

I left it all behind
Trying to kill time
Im poisoned by the sound
Of being on the (ground)

Same as above

solo

I left it all behind
Trying to kill time
Im poisoned by the sound
Of being on the (ground) -(fade out)

Same as above, seems like a good ending chorus to go out on, I still can't figure out what it means though. heh


Overall 6.975 / 10

- Hauf
Its how you look and how you feel
#6
just alright for me. Below average even. I'm not sure I picked up the hook from the chorus, which is one last saving grace usually for me. Some of the rhymes were pretty slick, and I like the fact that at least to the eye, it seems pretty original. Short peices though, to me, don't really take a whole lot of skill, which I wasn't surpised when you said it was the first draft, of the product that you posted. I see this song as a total screamo song, and for that, I actually find myself sorta digging it. Other than that though, a semi let down. I'll search for some more of your stuff ...
LISTEN:
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LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#7
Hmm...interesting stuff and definitely original. Maybe I just didn't fully get it, but it felt as if it was just going off in certain ways without any real point to it. I could definitely see this as a real song. On a personall level, I don't like when serious pieces of poetry/lyrics have words appreviated like "ur" instead of "your", but that's just me.