#1
This is a piano peice.


Sitting on a castle wall
Watching the sun come down
A woman walks by with an overcoat and bag
Alone in the corner sits a lonely clown

Standing in the doorway
Staring into the light
Reality fades in a gust of wind
As your mind prepares for flight

Drifting on the coast of sanity
You find yourself washed ashore
The Disciples come to take you away
When you begin to fall from the floor

(Piano break)


The caterpillar awaits in his cocoon
Foreshadowing a new life
Free from grounding forces
And living by his own sight

Farewell to you all
And farewell to the chores
It's time to pack up my mind now
So I can open my own doors
Its how you look and how you feel
#4
Ok, thanks guys I will crit both of yours now
Its how you look and how you feel
#5
I think it's awesome. Flows incredibly well, the words just roll of your tongue. Keep it up!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#6
Quote by Hauf
This is a piano peice.


Sitting on a castle wall
Watching the sun come down
A woman walks by with an overcoat and bag
Alone in the corner sits a lonely clown

paints quite the lovely picture with the first 2-3 lines, and then the last line puts a rather depressing feel to it. i like

Standing in the doorway
Staring into the light
Reality fades in a gust of wind
As your mind prepares for flight

once again, rolls off the toungue. also again, you painted another beautiful picture

Drifting on the coast of sanity
You find yourself washed ashore
The Disciples come to take you away
When you begin to fall from the floor

allright im confused as **** here, and im way too tired to be using enough brain power to think about this to find its true meaning. i have a general idea, and i like it. no real picture here, this stanza is more thought provoking than image inducing. i like

(Piano break)

always a winner

The caterpillar awaits in his cocoon
Foreshadowing a new life
Free from grounding forces
And living by his own sight

this is really good. thought provocing along with a nice image. very peaceful, and i find it quite optimistic. not sure if thats what you wanted, but thats what you got.

Farewell to you all
And farewell to the chores
It's time to pack up my mind now
So I can open my own doors

great ending, really cleans it up here, if you will.



great piece, good use of imagry. you incorporated imagery into it, without letting it take over. i hate when people let imagery control their piece and try to force it, and thats exactly what you didnt do. i found this piece very tranquil and almost transcendentalist. idk if thats what you were aiming for or not. overall, 7/10. very nice work; keep going.


if you would also crit mine please, "I Just Had the Shocking Realization I No Longer Love Her" ( i know, ****ty working title. what are you gonna do?)

#7
Thank you all for replying, I really appreciate it.

Zeus- I have to go to a graduation party right now, and I will crit yours as soon as I return.

Its how you look and how you feel