#1
simplest style I've ever used since joining UG. Leave a link, sorry if its not up to par with other things I've written, I'm still experimenting.

Naked Under Covers: Part I

The little night fire at the edge of my bed is just too perfect; I can?t bring myself to blow it out. I know I need to kill it though, as it?s burning closer and closer to these wires attached to my heart, at least that?s what daddy has taught me. So,
God bless Daddy, he?s beat me well
God bless Mommy, she?ll burn in hell
God bless all, bliss undefined,
Goodnight faith, and never harm me.

...

I think the room smells of sex, though I don?t really know what that means, and the space tastes of aged wine, though I?ve never really drunken that either. I guess I just bend my mind to emulate time and its turning creek of importance? Though I can?t bring myself to wish I was important, then I would feel too good about myself, and feeling good is a sin, at least that?s what Daddy says. So,
God bless Daddy, he?s turned my faith
God bless Mommy, goodbye forever
God bless all, keep well with
Bliss undefined.
Goodnight faith;
You?d never harm me would you?

...

Yesterday I went to the town pool and by the end of the day my feet were wet with something. Not exactly water, something less innocent? Yesterday I went to the pool and there was a slip n? slide on the backside hill, it was beautiful. But beauty was never meant to be perfection? I saw a girl whose top had flown off and she was so happy and her friends were so joyous and I was so sinful? Daddy hit me hard that night.

...

The light just a candle, just a flicker of flame reflected in my pupil in the wires of heart, but I cant bring myself to snuff existence, I don?t deserve to bless unbridled bliss, I don?t deserve Daddy.

Goodnight Daddy.
Goodnight Faith, forever.

?

'Here Lies Dylan T. Doyle, age 7, died of faith to the faithless, his father beat him hard at night.'
#2
Holy ****.

A masterpiece, sir. I wouldn't change a thing, and I can't wait for part 2.
You know the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar
You're the BLESSED, we're the Spiders from Mars!

Member 3 of the "Mick Ronson Is an extremely Awesome Guitar Player" Fanclub. PM ThePurpleRabbit to join.
#3
Very good overall, but some shorter, simpler phrases would break up the longer sections that are full of extensive description and imagery and result in a heightened emotional impact.

That's what I think anyway. It is also the best set of lyrics I've ever read in this forum.
Love is not a victory march.
#5
I didn't midn this too much. It could do with a lot of tightening up though, on those screws of the proverbial 1st draft

I liked the way it was simple, and not due to the fact that yes, it was something where I understoof every word, but more that it suited the piece. Having a piece like this and using decent language and trying to be all smart with the words just wouldn't work.

So well done on that fact.

Just maybe condense it a bit.

I don't think it'd be too hard to change into a song of some sort either.

What's your name Synth?
#6
truth be told it wasnt meant to be simple as much as innocent as I'm sure you could tell by the point of view of the narrator. cheers for taking a look and your completely right with the rest.

you can call me Zimmerman Bob by the way, it doesnt have to be one or the other
#8
Quote by #1 synth
simplest style I've ever used since joining UG. Leave a link, sorry if its not up to par with other things I've written, I'm still experimenting.

Naked Under Covers: Part I

The little night fire at the edge of my bed is just too perfect; I can?t bring myself to blow it out. I know I need to kill it though, as it?s burning closer and closer to these wires attached to my heart, at least that?s what daddy has taught me. So,
God bless Daddy, he?s beat me well
God bless Mommy, she?ll burn in hell
God bless all, bliss undefined,
Goodnight faith, and never harm me.

A really good intro, it shows you can have good imagery without using big words. I thought this definitely showed diversity compared to your other pieces.

...

I think the room smells of sex, though I don?t really know what that means, and the space tastes of aged wine, though I?ve never really drunken that either. I guess I just bend my mind to emulate time and its turning creek of importance? Though I can?t bring myself to wish I was important, then I would feel too good about myself, and feeling good is a sin, at least that?s what Daddy says. So,
God bless Daddy, he?s turned my faith
God bless Mommy, goodbye forever
God bless all, keep well with
Bliss undefined.
Goodnight faith;
You?d never harm me would you?

I thought this stanza held the same sense of innocence as the last stanza, which is good. I thought it should have rhymed between line 6 and 7 because you are trying to keep the stanza's relative to eachother, but this is a good stanza as well.

...

Yesterday I went to the town pool and by the end of the day my feet were wet with something. Not exactly water, something less innocent? Yesterday I went to the pool and there was a slip n? slide on the backside hill, it was beautiful. But beauty was never meant to be perfection? I saw a girl whose top had flown off and she was so happy and her friends were so joyous and I was so sinful? Daddy hit me hard that night.

You made this stanza different from the other two before it. another good stanza though, nothing to change.

...

The light just a candle, just a flicker of flame reflected in my pupil in the wires of heart, but I cant bring myself to snuff existence, I don?t deserve to bless unbridled bliss, I don?t deserve Daddy.

Goodnight Daddy.
Goodnight Faith, forever.

?

'Here Lies Dylan T. Doyle, age 7, died of faith to the faithless, his father beat him hard at night.'


I really like this piece, it showed the diversity in your writing. good job...


Please crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5828958#post5828958


[Edit] btw... you have the same first name as me.
#11
interesting man, i assume its not meant to be sung. Liked it, made me feel sad when i read it, which is what a good poem should (or i it prose? i dunno) overall i liked it.
(hey, could you be, like, the first person to crit my new song? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374487
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#13
Quote by #1 synth
Zimmerman???




no, my name is Dylan

Edit: not to be an ass... but i'd like some feedback on my new piece since I gave you a full crit..... Link is in my sig
Last edited by DanteR* at Jun 11, 2006,
#14
Wow, understood that one

I did enjoy reading this one. It was quite strong in emotion, and as you said the simpler wording/child thing worked well.

Just, not much I can say. I can't crit pieces like these, they're just way above me. I can only agree with shakysam, that seemed like it might work.

But, really, it was great, once more. Top stuff, from someone who's on top of his game

If you could comment on mine? It can be Found Here.
#16
Man, I really like it. I agree it could use some tightening up. I have one suggestion that is totally my opinion and could either hurt or help the piece...I just want to see what you think.

So in your first stanza you end with:

God bless Daddy, he?s beat me well
God bless Mommy, she?ll burn in hell
God bless all, bliss undefined,
Goodnight faith, and never harm me.

I think it'd make sense to actually switch that with the ending of the next stanza. Does that make sense? The reason is this: You want it to seem innocent, and I like that idea and in order to get the best out of it, don't come right out with this stanza since it seems quite mature. It'd be great if you introduced the darker side a little slower...the ending to the 2nd stanza could set it up, and then you hit them hard in the next stanza with "God bless Daddy, he's beat me well". Sorry if this is really confusing...it's late lol. Hope you get something outta that . I really do like it!

Here's mine if you wanna take a look and let me know if you need further explanation on my comment here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=375048
Last edited by esguitar223 at Jun 12, 2006,
#17
HMMMMMM. I liked it. It was a bit too simplistic for me. I like some of your more intricate, imagery-filled pieces. This was a little too simple. Also, I think you use a lot of words, but you're really only saying one thing. But it's definately very nice and I liked it.

Linky poo: (Untitled)

Rock On4
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[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#18
its a simplistic peice, but its supposed to be a little girl talking about how she has been abused, so it makes sense. reminds me of the book goodnight mr tom, which is a good thing. keep up the good work.
X


"Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart"