#1
I feel like I?ve been asleep for years,
Wishing I would not wake up,
Still I cry these bitter tears,
Of all the memories I conjure up.

And now I?m tired of being me, tired of being here.
Waiting for the moment, When I?ll just disappear.

Sometimes I think of quitting, leaving this lonely world,
To be a better person, if only I knew how.

I?m slowly beaking down, tearing at the seems.
I feel I?m gonna drown, in my bitter memories.

I feel like I?ve been asleep for years,
Wishing I would not wake up,
Still I cry these bitter tears,
Of all the memories I conjure up.


Crits please, I'm not rele sure of the order atm so any ideas wud b great.
#2
big fan of re-using the first verse as the last, so that really stuck out to me, good or bad. The middle ryhme couplet seems just a little weak, so I'd go back and work on that one. Using bitter again in the third couplet I think sorta draws attention from the "chorus" use of the word. Maybe change it as well. Nice peice though, great work.

Mine's on the first page if you could take a look and tell me everything that you don't like about it ...
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5