#1
Broken arpeggio


For what is good to hold
Arms are able.
Hearts are broken and heal
And break again?
Who wants
To make of a broken arpeggio
A liberating song.
What is dream
Made of poetry,
Words
Made of promises.
Who needs questions
To wonder
And answers
To believe?
Where is the place
Beyond everything
You´re just outside
Last edited by LuvMAze at Jun 14, 2006,
#3
i really like the direction this looks like its going....but i agree. add a bit more to it. keep rolling with that same ideat though.
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#4
Quote by burrito
i really like the direction this looks like its going....but i agree. add a bit more to it. keep rolling with that same ideat though.



Okay, i´ll try to add dept to the concept.
Thanks for the constructive critique
You´re just outside
#6
Hearts are broken cliche but I don't care because you said and break again, good one.
#7
Quote by ss311
Hearts are broken cliche but I don't care because you said and break again, good one.


you got it right, if there´s something i don´t like is cliche...
cliche horrifies me really ...

Anyway this song poem lacks imagery...
It´s kind of abstract, so what are the good things you discover in it?
can you find any new, diferent idea in it, something to develop...
If you try to relate to it, does it feel empty or does it tell you something
You´re just outside
#8
Quote by LuvMAze
you got it right, if there´s something i don´t like is cliche...
cliche horrifies me really ...


Anyway this song poem lacks imagery...
It´s kind of abstract, so what are the good things you discover in it?
can you find any new, diferent idea in it, something to develop...
If you try to relate to it, does it feel empty or does it tell you something


"Cliche" doesn't exist. Only a lack of originality.

You see, I'm sure someone, somewhere, could take "slit my wrists" and make it amazing. Most people can't. Who has more talent? Someone who can take that and make it their own and something great, or someone with an off the wall, original idea that bores the hell out of a reader?

P.S. I really liked this, but since I gave you the 'cliche' thing you don't deserve a real thing. Mainly because I can't explain what dragged it down.(There wasn't much)
#9
Quote by Retribution
"Cliche" doesn't exist. Only a lack of originality.

You see, I'm sure someone, somewhere, could take "slit my wrists" and make it amazing. Most people can't. Who has more talent? Someone who can take that and make it their own and something great, or someone with an off the wall, original idea that bores the hell out of a reader?

P.S. I really liked this, but since I gave you the 'cliche' thing you don't deserve a real thing. Mainly because I can't explain what dragged it down.(There wasn't much)


It´s true that i fell overwelmed when someone transforms banal into something interesting. But all this talk made me feel like i can do much better.
And yes, the cliche thing you gave is enough, i liked it alot
You´re just outside
#11
I really liked it! I found it beautiful... It was simple, yes- but I actually like the simplicity... I can picture it as a slow, lovely song- I honestly don't think it needs anymore because some songs are short... Maybe use some repetition? BUT other than that- I love it.
#12
wow thats really good. its a little short but if you decide to add more to it be sure to make it as good as the rest of the song! 10 out of 10.
B.C. RICH
#13
Quote by Drowning_Helena
I really liked it! I found it beautiful... It was simple, yes- but I actually like the simplicity... I can picture it as a slow, lovely song- I honestly don't think it needs anymore because some songs are short... Maybe use some repetition? BUT other than that- I love it.


After writing in a complex way for many years, i found out that it was a mechanism of auto-defense in my poetry. it´s very hard to write simple, and say much, but it´s also lame to write a complex thing and then ppl don´t understanding what´s it about.
But as i said before, i´ll try hard to develop my imagistic capacity, cause images give depht to thoughts.
Thanks for your thought´s Drowning_helena (don´t know your name).
And The_pickups it´s time for your critique, i´m waiting.
You´re just outside
#14
Firstly, let me explain why I quite like your writing.

Your are foriegn but, the difference between someone else writing in a different language than their own tongue compared to you; is that you don't try to sound english. You say it how you would, but in a different way, whcih is superb, if you get me.



For what is good to hold
Arms are able.
Simple/Complext, lovely mix

Hearts are broken and heal
And break again?
Not to my taste, little obvious

Who wants
To make of a broken arpeggio
A liberating song.
Much better, lovely link and improves the contrast of cliche with originality

What is dream
Made of poetry,
Words
Made of promises.
Great stuttery flow
Who needs questions
To wonder
And answers
To believe?
Simple/Clever

Where is the place
Beyond everything
Lovely rhyme

Great little piece, hidden with cleverness in a subtle mannor.

There you go Gil!
#15
It´s like seeing myself doing a critique
Scary!
Thanks Conor
And the next one will be a little more complex :p

Ps:How´s your band doing?
You´re just outside
#16
Don't want to spam this up, but quickly,

Band is alright, just getting together again. Written a load of new songs so hopefully we'll play them as a whole unit when my mate and I get some riffs down.

I'll try get some 4 track recordings up soon.

Hope to see the next piece.
#17
God it´s been 3 years.
Time flies, but not enough for a bump
You´re just outside