#1
this song is just something i was messing around with. it is kinda hard to get the rythem right. i am just wondering what you guys think of it.
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I love her?. She?s beautiful
She hates me? so not cool
This is a story
Of a guy
Whose main objective
Was to die
Staring in the eyes
Of HER

Then one day he saw her
And tried desperately to stop her
From falling for another guy
He failed but he tried

Maybe another night
He would accomplish his goal
How could this world be so cold?
He died 2 months later
All because she became Mrs. Truklator

I love her?. She?s beautiful
She hates me? so not cool
This is a story
Of a guy
Whose main objective
Was to die
Staring in the eyes
Of HER

He never got his one whish
It was too much so he slit his wrist
Maybe she will realize she really loved him
She could have saved him before he broke the skin
But no she loved a skater
Named bob Truklator
#2
i like the story... simple but catchy. you can tell the rhythm's a little bit out've whack but thats nothing you cant fix up... good job overall though.... 8/10...
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I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#3
i like it, apart from making up a dodgy name to rhyme with part of the song. (unless this is someones actual name, tell me if im wrong). Likin the rhymes, and the story.
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Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#5
the name drop was absolutly terrible, and the fact that it was so far from a "normal" name makes it even more blatant that you were interested in only rhymng with the line before. Might I suggest "he died when two months had past" might not be any better for the purpose of the song, but could open up some more ryhming options. Also the first two lines of the course didn't do much for me. But on the other hand, does have a certian "she f'ing hates me" vibe going on, so I could see it being successfull for the peice. One last thing, I think some fo the rhymes are a little tired (wish/wrist, him/skin) maybe make them a bit more original. Good liuck.

Attack mine if you will, I need some reponses and have turned to shamelss plugging:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374082
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