#1
So, I couldn't fall asleep last night...and basically this is what I came up with. Haha.
What do you think?
Thrash it, praise it, call it annoying, whatever. I just want to hear some feedback. Thanks!


Portrait

There's something about life
that makes her want to
smile, cry, laugh, hide
until the frame she's looking through
reflects the portrait in her mind

In this portrait life with
portrait people and portrait lanes
Who's to say she's not good enough,
sub par, not up to snuff?
Who's there to mimic her, feed off her,
obsess, neglect over her?
No one.
No, not one.

In this portrait life that she paints in her mind
time haults before her and bows to the
strength of creativity, where
she can break free from the clutches
of her fears, insecurities.

Liberated to unload the entirety
of her tightly crammed disordered mind
before it rips out from the seams
To say what she's actually feeling,
thinking, experiencing without
being surrounded by caution tape
or thrown to the paranas.

Ah yes.
There's something about life
that makes me want to
smile, cry, laugh, hide
until the frame I'm looking through
reflects the portrait in my mind.
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#2
um, what could i say about this??? i like the descriptive words, but where did it go in the end??? i understand what your getting at, but verses like "In this portrait life that she paints in her mind time haults before her and bows to the strength of creativity" dont really make a lot of sense... but looking at the whole picture, you did a pretty good job...well done, i'd say 7/10...
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#3
...but do songs/poetry always have to make a lot of sense to the reader? i dunno, i think the mystery is half the fun
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#4
Well actually, that line mentioned by nickelbitch makes perfect sense to me. I love the ideas going on here...just that life is like a picture just as a picture represents life. That's kinda what I get from it. The flow works very well also. I'd change up the last stanza. A repeat of the first just doesn't work for me...I guess I just want more. I don't like to rate art out of 10, so I'll just say Good job! Keep workin at it!

I put a poem up called "Celladore", if you wanna check it out I'd appreciate any feedback!
#5
thanks for the feedback, and will do.
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.
#6
Very cool. I dig the whole art imitating life/life imitating art thing. And I think "bookending" the peice, as it were, with the first verse works nicely.

Art about art is always kind of hard for me to put my finger on. I get a good vibe from this, though.
Peace, peace, and that's my piece.

Just another pale, skinny, noiserawkin' indie boy with tousled hair

Last.fm
#8
no prob
Quote by madbasslover
haha
you actually made one! i salute you, burrito.

mmm bean rice and cheese. the best.