#1
i hope yo can be bothered reading it all: its got some mistakes, and some bits are really cheesy, so i need some help wit this one. AND PLEASE DONT BUMP IT TO THE FOURTH PAGE LIKE MY OTHER SONGS

I wake up

i feel the press of steel around me
and i sense the presence of it deep inside me
a metal shell is what has been created
and far inside is where im insinuated
a dark, stark, home around my skin
as for pain or fear, i feel nothing
i wonder why i have been changed
and why i am inside this cage
i try to think back to before
my memory wont function or
these thought have been erased from me
for ever, for eternity

a flame, in the dark ignites
and i try to move towards the light
the metal not as heavy as it seems
reflected light on metal gleams
somehow i know to trust this being
and halt before the light im seeing
it leads me from my cell
through a corridor and up a stairwell
and suddenly, a burst of light
shatters my eternal night
a world i see, it cannot be
so beatifully made for me

but then i find im not alone
allthough i was surely on my own
a hideous creature stands before
and chills my body to the core
a metal being, silver plates
steel wheels and iron grates
deep black holes instead instead of eyes
that speak not of beauty, but of lies
i lift my hand by reflex action
and to my dissatisfaction
see the hand before me copy mine
and that is when it hits my mind
its not another standing there
because when i stand and stare
it stares straight back at me
it is me

what have i become?

my torment is pierced by the shout of a man
an order, will i obey? yes i am
standing to attention, head raised high
one hand to my side and one to the sky
a number of things form a line
the glaring sky making their armour shine
we are given weapons, swords and guns
we hold still without fear in the stare of the sun
warriors, that is what we are
soldiers fighting, killing and waging war
but what we are fighting we are not yet told
but i do not fear death, or fear at all
the gates ahead are opened
and we march out

the war rages ahead

we are in the streets of some kind of town
where the roads are paved and the buildings stand proud
groups of people are standing to fight
while others retreat and try to take fight
the metal men prove to be strong and agile
while the people stand short, weak and fragile
the orders are given, instantly understood
the soldiers obeying like real soldiers should
we kill of the people, quickly and clean
not undertanding the piercing screams
but one soldier changes and feels his heart flutter
while kneeling beside a child in the gutter
emotions we knew, but not how to use them
our makers knowing not how to infuse them

one soldier rebels

he starts to think what hes doing is wrong
killing something so weak, while he is so strong
others around him, begin to catch on
but by now most of the people are killed or gone
fled the city or spralled on the ground
some still alive, making pitiful sounds
the blood runs thick, it dries and sticks
the metal feet on stone floor click
creatures with thoughts which once had none
looked in horror at what they had done.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#2
wow... (you repeated "instead" twice somewhere through there) i like the whole rhyming thing going on here but its so long.... youve got some good describing words & it sets an image in one's head, but its only flaw is that its SO DAMN LONG!! is there any way you could cut it down or make it a part one or something???.... bloody good job though...9.5/10...
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#3
well, tis not as long as i hoped, i was going to write an epic, but i ran out of inspiration. (and rhymes)
its not a song though, so i dont reckon length really matters.

i forgot to post the alternative meaning. Its literal meaning is that of robots killing some ****, it also tells the story of humans, and how we are destroying the envionment, and how it too late to stop etc etc.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#4
This is a really interesting piece. I agree with Nickelbitch, though. It could be much shorter but still contain everything you're trying to say here. If it was shorter, it'd be easier to read and to understand. Otherwise, it's great. Keep it up!
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Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
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#5
It's a good piece, although changing "insinuated" to something like "ensconced" or similar will make more sense.

"Beatifully" has a u after the a, but that's just trivial. It has a great flow which is important for a non-song (I take it it's written as a poem). "stare of the sun"; although that's good alliteration, for it to make more sense, I suggest changing stare to glare.

Apart from that, very good, 9/10
#6
thanks, i would change it to glare, but i think i used it somewhere else (i cant be arsed reading it to find out )
ensconced may make sense, but it doesnt rhyme!
thanks for all the crit, i hope im getting a bit more noticed here.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#7
i think this is really great, it has such a strong flow. my input is that you could definately write more into an epic. it leaves off at a good point, but it just seems like you wanted to say something more than what you got out. as for criticism: "i lift my hand by reflex action,
and to my dissatisfaction". i think "and to my dissatisfaction" was a bit short, and dropped off early in the flow. i would say "i lift my hand by reflex action, and watch the opposite attraction" personally. good piece though man, take a look at mine if you don't mind.
#10
I like it, deep metaphores. But I think they are too strong for the average reader. It's like I had to force myself to read the whole thing, and I would find myself just skimming looking for something to read. I dunno, I don't want to say it's boring, but it needs music or something to catch people's attention. However it is beautifully written.

btw critique mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374575
#11
You know how i feel about this song mate
I think it is an epic. Truly wonderful, and i didnt mind sitting and reading the whole thing.
Il give you a 10/10

[was gunna give you 9, but then i remebered you kick-ass cuz you joined the club and got into my sig]

franz xx
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