#1
Okay, everyone. This is something I wrote about "pretending". Enjoy, hopefully.
____________________________________________________________________


A smile, a laugh, a faux clam facade
I'm just waiting to play my one last card
I'm playing the game again
I curse under my breath
Breathe out another lie
Lie my way back into your heart

My conscience left me a suicide note
She said: "See you, see you in hell"

(Chorus)
I'm homesick for sanity and barely scraping through
I'm caught by the only thing I know how to do
I tell myself it's just my imagination
I tell myself I should know cause
I've got the dangerous kind

I think running is my best defence
Cause I'm surrounded by things that only make sense
To someone else (someone else)
I wish to hell I could
I could run far enough away
Far enough away from you (from you)

My guardian angel and I don't talk no more
He just drops me an occasional "I hope you're doing well"

(Chorus)

I'm writing my last goodbyes
In a letter addressed to you
Expect it in a week or two

(Chorus)

I tell myself I should know
All about the dangerous kind
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#2
liked it, i thought parts of the rhyme scheme was good, and i liked the words you used. I think more of it could rhyme, if your gonna record it as a song. But thats just what i think.
(while yo there, could you please crit https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374487
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#3
Thanks a lot. And you're right, it could use more rhyme. As for recording it, I haven't really thought of a tune or anything but I have the general feel. Thanks again, anything else?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#4
I disagree with rabid, I don't think you should put rhymes in if they don't fit, that's one of the reasons I really liked this song. So many people here feel that every song has to rhyme but this was well written without a lot of unessecery rhymes. I really liked the verses (especially the scond stanza) but I wasn't sure about the chorus. I just didn't really connect with it. I really loved thees parts though:

My conscience left me a suicide note
She said: "See you, see you in hell"

My guardian angel and I don't talk no more
He just drops me an occasional "I hope you're doing well"


A very interesting repetition which was really well written. (Probably the first set of lyrics which contains the words "hell" and "suicide" which I didn't roll my eyes to.)

Great job, one of the best I've read here.
#5
Thanks a lot. Actually, I wrote the chorus almost 2 weeks after I wrote the verses. I'd written another verse but it didn't really fit. I guess that kind of explains the lack of connection. Any more comments?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#6
Don't be offended that Franz.d. didn't crit back because she has been gone for a day or so.
#7
Ummm... I don't like the suicide note part. Too emo. A lot of big words in here, so it took me a while... hahaha. Not really my style... 3/10
AMERICA
AMERICA
AMERICA
#8
Hahaha. Thanks anyway. I'm not offended that Franz.d. didn't crit back. I don't really expect crit for crit. Thanks again. Anything else?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#9
I enjoyed the first stanza, but from then on, I felt it was pretty average.

It just didn't keep me entertained. There was noting too special about the rest of the piece.

For me, a song needs awesome wording, clever rhyming, perfect flow or raw emotion. Include one of these and you'd get an 8 from me. This gets a 7/10.

Thanks awfully for the crit on mine.
#10
You're welcome. And thanks for the crit. Anyone else?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#11
I'm bumping my own thread. I suck, I know. But I'm whoring this one. Anyone else have any other crit?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#12
I think it's very well written, but I think that if you haven't written music for it yet, or got the melody, or whatever, you'll run into a problem, because I didn't notice any obvious rhythm. But then again, I've written plenty of things with no real rhythm, and found some way to make them work. But still, well written.
#14
thanks a lot. actually, i haven't come up with anything solid for it in terms of music. i've only got the general feel. but i think i can make it work.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.