#1
Hi all! As promised, I've written another song. This contains no hidden message like Mercury did, but there is a message. Hope you like it! For all of those who don't know me; I'm crit 4 crit, as always!

This song contains no chorus or verse, it was just all written together. And no offense Americans. I just needed something to rhyme with ''day''

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Destructive

Back in the days,
the world was a wonderful place.
But people though they were ace,
and so; the world changed pace.
So today,
we live in a worldwide U.S.A.
And I think it's safe to say,
that it shouldn't be this way.

We're destructive, seductive,
confused, and used.
We're ruled by people in politics,
who all make money by being dicks.
I'm tired, I'm through and I'm sick of it.
It's all just a big ass globe of shit.
Yet this is actually the place were we live,
and we're all a bunch of people, very destructive.

The morals are gone,
washed away in the sea of dawn.
Now every man is pawn,
in the play that's a million years long.
The script has been written,
from New Jersey to Great Brittain.
And it will forever be the same;
we're trying to save a world that's already insane.
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Thanks for your input
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#2
Bump
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#3
Hi all! As promised, I've written another song. This contains no hidden message like Mercury did, but there is a message. Hope you like it! For all of those who don't know me; I'm crit 4 crit, as always!

This song contains no chorus or verse, it was just all written together. And no offense Americans. I just needed something to rhyme with ''day''

___________________________________________________________________

Destructive

Back in the days,
the world was a wonderful place.
But people though they were ace,
and so; the world changed pace.
So today,
we live in a worldwide U.S.A.
And I think it's safe to say,
that it shouldn't be this way.

I dislike the whole first verse rhyming or closely rhyming. The message is cool though, good job getting the message across I just dislike all the quick rhymes.

We're destructive, seductive,
confused, and used.
We're ruled by people in politics,
who all make money by being dicks.
I'm tired, I'm through and I'm sick of it.
It's all just a big ass globe of shit.
Yet this is actually the place were we live,
and we're all a bunch of people, very destructive.

I really like the first two lines, very creative and effective. The rest of it kind of falls apart to me though. Well the third line is pretty good, but it's following line kind of throws it out the window.

The morals are gone,
washed away in the sea of dawn.
Now every man is pawn,
in the play that's a million years long.
The script has been written,
from New Jersey to Great Brittain.
And it will forever be the same;
we're trying to save a world that's already insane.

Again I like the first two lines, then it seems to fall apart and just has rhymes in it for the sake of making everything rhyme. Overall I would say try to get your message across a little better and not use so many rhymes, the rhymes kind of ruin it and take away from the peice ( IMO ) 7/10...... could you crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=373889
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- Hauf
Its how you look and how you feel
#4
It has been critted!

Thanks BTW.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#5
to be honest, the ryming scheme kinda irked me. i dont know why though. i loved the idea behind it and some of the lines you threw in there. i loved the form you used,a rather unique form at that. im not sure why, but some of the rymes you used just kinda tickled me the wrong way. aside from that (which is just a personal pet peeve i guess) you have an awesome piece.

crit mine if you get around to it, "I just had the shocking realization i no longer love her"

edit: now that im going over it again, i guess this could work as a hip-hop type piece if you wanted to. not sure you would though lol.