#1
hey all. this is a song i just wrote, it's very personal, very sad. im hearing a soft acoustic behind it as far as music goes, with the third line in every stanza kind of cresendoing, and the last line a sort of decresendo. this was basically inspired from last night when i was sitting on the beach with my girlfriend and had the horrible realization that i just don't love her anymore (as you can probably tell by the lyrics). i feel horibly badly about it, and thats where this song came from. crit for a crit just leave a link or title and ill get to it.


Sit ?neath the stars
Holding your hands in mine
Whispering words that are as old as time
And as you hold me closer
My spine, it goes cold
You look, and you don?t even know

Kissing your eyes
Hoping to feel
The love I once felt but is no longer real
And I know that its time
But I don?t want to say
Lord knows what I?m too scared to say

Breaking my heart
With each love filled gaze
I wish to God that I still felt that way
I loved you once
But it was so long ago
But was it really that long ago?

(Interlude)

All that we were
All we never will be
All the chances we had but you just couldn?t see
The light, now it?s gone
And the romance is done
It?s a shame, it?s a shame we are lost
#2
Quote by Zeus2716
[[ this line and the one above are a bit stale, regurgitated, play with word choice if possible ]]
Whispering words that are as old as time [[ good line ]]
And as you hold me closer
My spine, it goes cold [[[ me gusto mucho ]]
You look, and you don?t even know [[ maybe "You look, but you don't even know" adds a little more mystery]]

Kissing your eyes [[[ wierd. is there a reasoning behind this line? if not dont kiss her eyes thats gross ]]
Hoping to feel
The love I once felt but is no longer real [[ maybe " a love that used to be real" or something that extent? This line feels a bit forced ]]
And I know that its time
But I don?t want to say
Lord knows what I?m too scared to say [[ i really like these last two lines, some cool vocal possibilites there. A lot of people seem scared to rhyme using the same word, kudos ]]

Breaking my heart
With each love filled gaze [[ sub out "love" for another adjective. It's already used quite a bit in the song, changing it will keep it from sounding sappy... i think ]]
I wish to God that I still felt that way
I loved you once
But it was so long ago
But was it really that long ago? [[ nothing wrong with this line nor the one above it, but my personal prefrence I would make the last line just: "wasn't it?" sounds more like a real question than rhetorical, and thats cool. ]]

(Interlude)

All that we were
All we never will be
All the chances we had but you just couldn?t see
The light, now it?s gone
And the romance is done
It?s a shame, it?s a shame we are lost [[ I love love love the last line. I see youre going for a AABAAB rhyme scheme. You're second AA is a bit of stretch. I guess some creative phrasing could get it through, but if not, try something else besides gone/done]]




Overall, this song has a lot of potenial. It just needs a little un-sappifying.


Crit mine if you get the chance plz
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=374619
Last edited by Jandy at Jun 11, 2006,
#3
Meh, it was alright.

I only really had a problem with :

But it was so long ago
But was it really that long ago?


The rest was average, but no really bad thing. A song needs either clever writing or strong emotion, and you did have strong feelings in this, so I'll let you off.

7/10. Not bad.

If you could crit back here, I'd be grateful.
#4
it was just alright man. nothing really that stood out, which can be a blessing in disguise sometimes. Hard topic to write about since it's been done so many times it's hard to make your own. Hopefully the music will set it apart. Good luck.
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#5
Pretty good. It would be a good blues song. You know, like a Buddy Guy or Robert Johnson thing, with the classic A D A D A E chord scheme.
#6
Aww, i liked this. Very sad.
Very good idea for a song [sorry about the circumstances ur in mate, have u sorted it?]

Lyricly.....it was okie. Some bits were fantastic and others were abit clishe for my liking.
But overall, a 9/10 from me =P
If you wanna crit mine, the link is in my sig.
franz
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Use it.
#7
hey guys thanks for the crits. i know its basically average lyrically, and simple 3 chord rock n roll, but its strong emotion, which i why i posted it, just to see.. chords are G Cadd9 Dadd9 ( i think those are the names lol) if you get bored and wanna givce it a shot. to the people who left links, sorry it took so long but im getting to it now. :peace
and franz.d.: did kinda sort it out. i just layed it on the line, let her down as gently as i could. ya know, i just dont love her anymore, and i feel terribly about it because i still care for her, just not in the way i used to. thanks for all the crit/support guys.


edit: franz.d.: there is no link in your sig. give me a link or a title so i can find it. thanks
#8
this is pretty good

reminds me of what happened to me and my ex *tear*
Call me Sean
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Yes i am
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