#1
Poppy tune, meant to be that way. Up tempo rock beat. Any criticism appreciated

Oh she knows shes got a decision to make
don't don't you wonder which way she will take
if shes gonna break it down
you'd better get on the ground
mute the noise so well
the unbreakable sound

i'll try to bide my time
cause both my hands are tied

give me one thing
one thing
i've never felt
fool me two times
two times
shame on myself
so bring it back now
back now
the hand I was dealt
give me one thing
just one thing


Show a bit of style
or a slight hint of grace

cause the answers gonna drop you
when you speak face to face
if shes gonna break it down
youd better get on the ground
mute the noise so well
the undeniable sound

take it all in stride
try but you can't deny

give me one thing
one thing
i've never felt
fool me two times
two times
shame on myself
so bring it back now
back now
the hand I was dealt
give me one thing
just one thing

yes
i'm done
but this i gotta get of my chest
yes
you run
but i have one last request

give me one thing
one thing
i've never felt
fool me two times
two times
shame on myself
so bring it back now
back now
the hand I was dealt
give me one thing
just one thing

give me one thing
one thing
i've never felt
fool me two times
two times
shame on myself
so bring it back now
back now
the hand I was dealt
give me one thing
just one thing

get down
then bend
then break
then do it again
get down
then bend
then break
then do it again
get down
then bend
then break
then do it again
(fadeout)
#2
Not sure if the repetition works, it can but i think it needs tweaking but the outro was grrrrreat keep that...all in all though i liked it, it seemed pretty solid, if anything else needed tweaking it was length i thought it was a bit too long for my tastes (but theres plenty of people who might say different) maybe you could splice two verses into one and just make them a little more cohesive
#3
Thanks, I was trying not to overplay the chorus, which I may have done. You think pulling a chorus might help? As for the repetition, I plan on it being background vocals that are sung almost over the lead singers 1st recital of the words. But I'll take that advice when we play with vocal melody if it sounds like S.


p.s.
your first post on my song! I'm honored.
#4
hmm quite interesting indeed. where to start. i loved the 'verse' type ones (the first stanza and all the identical ones). i enjoyed the rythym you used inthose stanzas, and the ryming as well. now, for the 11 line stanzas, they seemed a bit choppy, even forced at times. you said upbeat pop/rock, so with the right music behind it, it can work well as a song. great potential for a song with the right music behind t, but if you want to keep it to use as a poem or for dry reads, it needs to be less choppy. ill say 7.5/10.
#5
Thanks. Like I said above. I probably shouldn't have included the repetitions of the chorus as they are going to be more like background vocals than actual main lyrics. But I agree, it is a bit choppy. Thanks
#6
It was alright.

I felt the pop/rock feel to it, which I suppose is a good thing as that is what you intended.

I didn't really like the chorus, so I didn't like the repeat of it.

I think you'll need to add another verse in there, two verses seems a bit thin, especially when you have four chorus'.

7/10. Mainly cos I felt the style you wanted. Not so much for the actual lyrics

If you could crit back here, I'd be extremely grateful.
#8
Awesome song, it does have a good rythm going! In my head it does,anyway...
I really like the chorus, but yeah it is probably repeated a little bit too much, but other than that a lot of the other repetition still works