#1
Okay, here's something else I've written, and I've actually gone and edited it again from when I first wrote this, so this is a second draft, or best if it's that good

Inspired from the moments between a group of friends over the last week or so, who have all pulled together after the loss of one of our own.

Hope you enjoy it.

Crit for crit, to all those who do as such. Just leave a link

Well Worded Phrases and Cheap Crafted Praises

And the phone rings as it sits on the table
A phonecall from her, totally unstable
And she looked so distraught last night
When she heard the news
Well her eyes just cried and cried

And looking hopelessly into the light
Her phone goes again and gives her a fright
She looked up towards the moon
As she heard the news
Well her heart just died inside

And the lights were shining
With the silver lining
You could sense the love in the air
And the lights when shining
Well they're so defining
Helping us to go and repair

And the ringtone goes off with a bang
We don't understand, for all the slang
And she spoke to us through her reactions
When she heard the news
She went well inside to hide

And the lights were shining
With the silver lining
You could sense the love in the air
And the lights when shining
Well they're so defining
Helping us to go and repair
Go and repair

Well worded phrases and
Cheap crafted praises
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

It's not hard to discover
The cliches to cover
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

Just say what you see
Say what you see

(Musical Break, then builds up)

Sing it!

And the lights were shining
With the silver lining
You could sense the love in the air
And the lights when shining
Well they're so defining
Helping us to go and repair

(Go and repair)
And the lights are shining
With a silver lining
You could sense all of the intents
Cos when the lights are shining
Well we stop our whining
There's a twist and turn of events

Well worded phrases and
Cheap crafted praises
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

(Outro Build Up)

And the air is full of love
Yeh well the air is full of love
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 11, 2006,
#2
And the phone rings as it sits on the table
A phonecall from her, totally unstable
And she looked so distraught last night
When she heard the news
Well her eyes just cried and cried

--NOT TOO KEENE ON STARTING OFF WITH "AND" BUT READING A LITTLE FURTHER, IT DOES MAKE SENSE SINCE WE ARE BASICALLY STARTING IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT'S GOING ON. THE PAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF L2 ANNOYED ME, BUT ISN'T GOOD OR BAD EITHER WAY. JUST I DON'T FEEL IT'S NEEDED. AGAIN IN L3, AND I DON'T LIKE, OR THE LAST LINE FOR THAT MATTER. IT'S JUST NOT NEEDED. LET THE AUDIENCE PAINT A LITTLE PICTURE ON IT'S OWN. WE CAN TELL THE CHARACTER IS DISTRAUGHT, AND PROBABLY CRYING, YOU DON'T NECCESARILY HAVE TO TELL US ABOUT YEAH.

And looking hopelessly into the light
Her phone goes again and gives her a fright
She looked up towards the moon
As she heard the news
Well her heart just died inside

--AT THIS POINT, I CAN KINDA SEE THE WHOLE "AND" IDEA IS A THEME. SO I'D SAY KEEP IT. I THINK THOUGH, THAT AS I READ FURTHER, IT WILL START TO GET BORING, SO BE CAREFULL OF THAT. FRIGHT IS A BAD WORD ALL TOGETHER, SO USING IT THERE SCREAMS FORCED RHYME AND MAKE IT STICK OUT AWKWARDLY. LAST LINE AGAIN IS A HUGE LET DOWN AND TO ME NEEDS SOME SERIOUS WORKING ON.

And the lights were shining
With the silver lining
You could sense the love in the air
And the lights when shining
Well they're so defining
Helping us to go and repair

--PRETTY CATCHY LITTLE HOOK HERE. I LIKE IT. L5 CAN BE IMPROVED, POSSIBLE TO "AS THEY BECOME DEFINING" OR SOMETING LIKE THAT. BUT GOOD MAN. MAYBE THOUGH THAT LAST LINE CAN AGAIN BE TIGHTENED UP JUST A BIT. ALMOST A LITTLE TOO CHEESEY YOU HEARD.

And the ringtone goes off with a bang
We don't understand, for all the slang
And she spoke to us through her reactions
When she heard th enews
She went well inside to hide

--MORE FORCED RHYME IN THE SECOND VERSE. JUST BRINGS THE WHOLE STANZA DOWN. GIVE YOU PROPS FOR USING THE WORD RINGTONE IN A PEICE, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT IT'S A GOOD FIT THERE. BUT I'M JUST NITPICKING

Well worded phrases and
Cheap crafted praises
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

It's not hard to discover
The cliches to cover
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

--FINALLY THE PART IN THE PEICE THAT MAKES IT WORTHWHILE TO READ. THESE TWO STANZAS ARE STELLAR. CAN'T THINK OF A FAULT AT THIS POINT.

The rest appears to be just repeates, so I edited them out. Overall, I like your peice. It shows growth, for the most part it seemed rather original, and all fault aside, kept me interested enough to read it all the way through. So nice work.

If you feel the need to crit back, mine's called "The One" and has slipped to the second page either cause it totally sucks, or it's so breathe-takinly magnificant that no one can say anything about it once they are done reading. Hopefully you'll tell me all about how lame it is ...
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#3
Now.
Could this be any better.
*reads page over for third time*
No.
It couldnt.
10/10 man, i dont even have any good crit for you cuz its AMAZING!!! [once again]

franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#4
"And the ringtone goes off with a bang
We don't understand, for all the slang"
like the previous poster said it sounds forced. i don't know if my words would fit in such a personal piece but what about
"And the ringtone goes off with a bang
Your figure in the air continues to hang"?
other than that i think the Sing it! part sounds a bit cheesy but that's me. definately good writing besides those points, thumbs up.
#5
It's really awsome i like the exspressions you use
Quote by Metal-X
But last time I cranked my amp up. A small bird flew by at the same time I did a pinch harmonic.... and it exploded....



Too Late
#6
I liked this piece it had a nice steady rhyme pattern. The thing I would do though is delete the word "well" from last line of stanzas 1,2, and 4 that would really help the flow. I didn't understand this part:

Well worded phrases and
Cheap crafted praises
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

It's not hard to discover
The cliches to cover
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths


but any ways.... good job

please crit mine... link is in my sig
#9
Thanks to all who critiqued.

I suppose those rhymes are a bit forced, but I am trying to give a feeling of three different girls in the three verses. I was just trying to show the personality of each, and how they react to terrible news.

Danter- The bridge part is about the cliched lines people use when someone dies, instead of really telling you how they feel. "law of the land" means that it is now common law that everyone uses these types of phrases.

Thankyou to all who gave me their time. Total Respect to you all.
#10
This is really good. I liked the play on perspectives. I really, really liked this part:

It's not hard to discover
The cliches to cover
The law of the land
Unspoken Truths

The last two lines worked really well. Over all: 8/10 . Could you crit mine? It's called I Should Know.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#11
Thanks me, I've critted back

Quote by benjiman
"And the ringtone goes off with a bang
Your figure in the air continues to hang"

Thanks for the idea, but I see no relevance to the story I was telling (It's an important part of how I write) , and to me, that seems even more forced.

Quote by Franz.d.
10/10 man, i dont even have any good crit for you cuz its AMAZING!!! [once again]

Your too nice Franzy. I've never seen a bad crit from you Anywhere.

Once more, thanks to all who posted.
#12
i like the idea but yeah again the rhymes sound way too forced
'never a victim,' the role model said,
bang-bang, the bad guy is dead,
always a rockstar on eMpty TV,
the lesson complete, now the child has needs.
#14
It could be good (that rhymes :P) Try not to force rhymes. Although i've probally done it before too.

Also, the song is kind of cliche, not too cliche though. It is a bit repetitive with the rhyme scheme. For some reason though I keep picturing a pop-band singing this.
I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIST
JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU
YES I DOOOO
#15
Cliche? I know "Shining Lights" is kind of cliche, but I didn't use that exact phrase. Do you think you could expand on that a bit, lithium? I'd also like more thoughts on why you find the rhyme scheme repetitve

Many Thanks to you all for your crits.
#16
Quote by Jammydude44
Your too nice Franzy. I've never seen a bad crit from you Anywhere.


Dyu know why that is?
Its coz you rawk Jammydude.

I look up to people like you, because you constantly write songs that are the standard id like to get to!
Its dudes like you that inspire your very own franzy to get better at songwriting.


franz
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#17
I can't help but feel that practically every rhyme in this is forced. You can write much better than this, and I'm sure you know that. I know it's very personal to you, but personally, I would scrap this and start over. When painting a picture, you don't go flat out and tell us what's happening. You use subtle things to convey certain points. It's really the difference between art you'll see in museums, and art you'll see on refridgerators.

Keep up the writing though, and I'll look forward to another version.
#19
I don't think that it is as good as some of your works, but it its decent. Again the rhymes are sometimes forced, but the music can make that work well. I think that the whole song remains vague. You could easily get multiple different meanings from this song. If you care, you could narrow it down to specify.

plz crit
Naffin - Painful Secrets
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#20
That song was an epic it was huge, i really like the bit 'the lights were shining......' its real catchy **** man, dont know if i could ever write a song this good, if u get the chance any suggestions or crit on my songs would be appreciated, cos im pretty new to this writing business. heres the links:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=378103
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=378536